Recommended Readings
The following books have been helpful to many parents:
Don't Tell Me What To Do, Just Send Money by Patricia Olson, E. Johnson and Christine Schelhas-Miller, 200
How to Survive and Thrive in an Empty Next: Reclaiming Your Life When Your Children Have Grown by Robert Lauer and Jeanette. C Lauer, 1999
When Your Kid Goes to College: A Parent's Survival Guide by Carol Barkin, 1999
Almost Grown: Launching Your Child from High School to College by Patricia Pasick, 1998
Empty Nest, Full Heart: The Journey from Home to College by Andrea Van Steenhouse and Johanna Parker, 1998
Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years by Karen Levin Coburn, 1997
The College of the Overwhelmed: The Campus Mental Health Crisis and What to Do About It.
The Launching Years: Strategies for Parenting from Senior to College Life by Laura Kastner and Jennifer Fugett Wyatt
When Kids Go to College: A Parent's Guide to Changing Relationships by Barbara M. Newman and Philip R. Newman
You're On Your Own (But I'm Here if You Need Me) : Mentoring Your Child During the College Years by Marjorie Savage
Articles by Dr. Rachel Lively, Psy. D.
Published in the Torch, UMass Dartmouth's student newspaper, 2007-2008
- Anger Management
- Assertiveness
- Bipolar Disorder
- Breaking Up - a How-to Guide
- Controlling Relationships
- Coping with Grief
- Eating Disorders
- Going Home for the Holidays
- Humor and Health
- Intimacy - Fear vs Overload - Is There a Balance?
- Learning to Relax: Mind, Body and Soul
- Life After Graduation: So you're Finally Done With College. Now What?
- Obsessive Thinking
- Sleep Problems? Say Good-night.
- Social Drama
- Stress Management
- Time's A-wastin - How to Manage Your Time (and Enjoy Your Life)
- Test Anxiety
- The Importance of Gratitude
Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. As is true for many other emotions, it can be accompanied by physical changes such as increased heart rate, blood pressure, and adrenaline. These physiological changes can sometimes heighten our subjective experience of the emotion, leaving us feeling even angrier.Because anger is often portrayed in the media as being equivalent to violence, many people don't know how to deal with anger in a healthy way. When it is dealt with constructively it can actually lead to enhanced relationships and increased interpersonal connections. When it is dealt with destructively it can lead to a variety of problems in relationships, at work/school, and in everyday mental and emotional health. In this article, I will talk a little bit about what causes anger, some different ways that it can be expressed, and some constructive ways to manage it.
Some of the things that can cause anger are external events (certain behaviors of other people, general life circumstances, an overload of stress, etc. ) or internal events (remembering something that made you angry, thinking about how things "should" be, worrying or brooding about personal problems, etc. ). Collectively these external and internal events that lead to anger are called triggers.
When people experience one of these triggers they can express their anger in one of three general ways. First, anger can be expressed aggressively. This is the form of anger expression that is often portrayed in the media and includes things like overt displays of physical, emotional, or psychological violence (i.e. hitting, kicking, harassing, threatening, throwing things, punching a wall, or putting-down). When people express their anger aggressively they generally fail to deal with their own behaviors but rather act out and blame others. They might feel a temporary sense of relief, but this kind of acting out does not generally produce long-term reduction of anger or any understanding of the situation that triggered it. Aggressive and violent expression of anger frequently leads to repeated trouble with the law, severe relationship problems, and difficulties at school/work.
A second way that anger can be expressed is passive-aggressively.People who express anger passive-aggressively are masters at internalizing and denying their feelings. Instead of overtly blaming or hurting others as the aggressively angry people do, they will frequently deny that they are angry altogether or blame themselves. At the same time, they might give others the cold shoulder or the silent treatment, spread rumors, and/or become depressed. While these folks deny that anything is wrong, their behavior generally makes it clear to others that they're angry. This form of anger expression does not allow for effective coping because the angry person is denying the feeling altogether while at the same time punishing others and pushing them away.
A third way to express anger is assertively. This is often referred to as "healthy" anger and involves expressing your feelings directly and in a non-threatening way that does not hurt others, yourself, or any property.Expressing your anger directly includes being clear about what your needs are and how they might be met without hurting other people. Assertive expression of anger can also mean coping with it on your own without talking to others. This might be done by channeling your angry energy into something else like exercise or a creative project.Being able to do this may also require that you work on your general self-soothing skills such as relaxation exercises, taking time-outs as necessary, and healthy physical activity.
If you're someone who typically has trouble expressing your anger assertively, it might be helpful to try out some of the strategies listed below.
1) Recognize anger. This may sound simple but some people (especially those who tend to express things passive-aggressively) aren't necessarily conscious of their anger. You can recognize anger by asking yourself things like, how does my body feel right now? What were things that might have triggered anger? Where is the anger coming from?
2) Learn to relax yourself.Relaxation skills like deep breathing and using mental imagery can really help.Visualize yourself doing something relaxing (i.e. on vacation, lying on the beach, in a hammock, etc. ). Take a few deep, abdominal breaths (this means breathing from your belly rather than your chest). Additionally, you can try mentally repeating a calming word or phrase to yourself like a mantra ("Take it easy", "You're okay", etc. ).
3) Restructure your thoughts. This is a fancy way of saying: change the way you think. When you're angry you might notice that things become exaggerated and feel more important than they probably do when you think about them later. You can often replace these exaggerated thoughts with more rational ones both in your own mind (with positive self-statements and/or humor) and in the way you talk to other people. Using what's called "I statements" can be helpful in this regard. This means that you start all of your sentences with "I feel. . . " or "I think. . . . " instead of things like "You never. . . " or "You should. . . "By doing this you begin to take responsibility for your own feelings, stop blaming others for your anger, and help other people feel less defensive and more able to listen to you.
A big part of changing your thoughts can be paying close attention to your use of words like "should", "always", and "never". These kinds of absolutes are often not only inaccurate but blaming. They can lead to further anger and defensiveness. Ask yourself, "Just because I want something to happen, does that mean it "should"? Is it true that my partner "always" disappoints me? Is it true that my mother "never" listens?
4)Communicate more clearly. Using "I statements" is one technique for doing this. The idea is that you want to slow yourself down so that you have time to think about what you want to say rather than just blurting out the first angry thought that comes to your mind. Taking time to think of how you want to respond also gives you time to really listen to what the other person is saying. When you really hear what they're saying, this might change what you want to say in response.
5)Change your environment. If there are particular situations or people that regularly frustrate you, maybe you need a change of environment. It's okay to take a break from people you are often angry at--even (or especially) if you're in the middle of an argument and think you might say or do something you'll regret.Sometimes simple environmental changes like taking more alone time, getting enough sleep, or walking away from a heated argument can help reduce your anger.
6) Evaluate yourself and your responses. After a conflict, ask yourself: What happened there? What did I do well? What could I do better next time? Did I handle my anger assertively or did I act out in one of the other, less healthy ways?
When you learn how to manage anger in a healthy way, it stops being a scary emotion and becomes just another feeling that comes and passes like any other.Knowing that anger will pass can help you take it less seriously and not get bogged down in it.
Do you find yourself agreeing to do things that you really don't want to do just because someone asked you and it was hard to say no? Do you feel like other people take advantage of you? Do you find yourself getting really frustrated in these situations and sometimes even have trouble controlling your temper? Do you feel like people should be able to know what you need/want/feel without you saying it, if only they would pay closer attention? If you answered yes to these questions, you might benefit from learning some ways to be more assertive. In this article I will talk about what assertiveness is, some problems associated with being unassertive, and some specific strategies for being more assertive in your relationships and communication with others.Assertiveness is a term that describes the ability to clearly, directly, and honestly express your rights, opinions, thoughts and feelings in a way that does not attack, blame, or infringe on the rights of others. I will give some examples of assertive communication later on in this article, but here will just say that assertiveness tends to involve speaking from one's own opinion (and taking ownership of it), sticking to facts when expressing displeasure (instead of judging), and not overreacting to or personalizing others' responses to what you've said. It requires self-reflection, honesty, openness, and a willingness to listen.
While these are qualities that we would all most likely espouse, there are many of us who are not assertive in our interactions and struggle with the negative effects of unassertiveness. Lots of people are taught that it is wrong or selfish to consider our own needs before considering the needs of others. As children (and even as adults) we might have been told not to "rock the boat", or that we should just ignore people who say or do things we don't like. Though it is certainly useful to be able to choose to ignore someone or to consider someone else's needs first in some situations, the key to this is that it is a choice, not a reflex. When you think of someone else first ALL the time and try to ignore other people walking all over you instead of addressing it with them, you will likely begin to feel resentful and angry at others for taking advantage of you. You may even start to feel depressed (as this anger gets directed inward) leaving you feeling helpless and with no control over your life and relationships. This kind of resentment or depression can lead to frustration, hostility, and even violence in some cases. If you feel unassertive and unable to control or manage relationships, you might find yourself feeling increasing anxiety and a desire to avoid people altogether. These responses (resentment, depression, anger, and anxiety) can lead to very problematic relationships in which you find it exceedingly difficult to tell people how you feel, what you think, or what you need. And predictably, the relationship problems that stem from this difficulty in expressing yourself lead to further feelings of depression, hopelessness, and resentment.
If you recognize these kinds of behaviors and relationship problems from your own life, don't worry--you're not alone.Because so many people struggle with these issues, I'm going to talk about how to be more assertive. I will first review the three main components of any assertive statement, and will then outline some specific strategies for being more assertive (and thereby improving your relationships).
In most assertive communications there are three main parts. These are: empathy/validation, statement of the problem, and specific request. Let me give an example of an assertive statement and then highlight which part of the statement corresponds to each of these parts. An assertive person might say, "I know that you had a really tough day and are really stressed about school right now. I would guess that cleaning the apartment is the last thing on your mind.But when I get home and see that you left dirty dishes in the sink and dirty laundry on the floor, I get really frustrated and feel like I have to clean them up. Then I get mad at you and we end up fighting. Would you be willing to wash the dishes and put the laundry in the hamper before I get home? I think it would help change this pattern so we can get along better. "
In this statement the empathy/validation part is "I know you had a really tough day and are really stressed. . . . "When you start by showing sensitivity and understanding of what things might be like for someone else, you quickly reduce their defensiveness and help them to listen to the rest of what you're trying to say. It shows that you're not trying to pick a fight, but that you want to work together to improve your relationship in some way.
The next part of our example demonstrates a clear statement of the problem. ("But when I get home and see you left dirty dishes in the sink and laundry on the floor, I get really frustrated and feel like I have to clean them up. Then I get mad at you and we end up fighting. ")These two sentences clearly and concisely state what the problem behavior is and what the emotional consequence is for you. They are statements of fact rather than opinions or judgments about the other person. This part of an assertive communication sets the stage for you to ask for a change from the other person.
Asking for change involves making a specific request. In the above example, this is the last two sentences beginning with "Would you be willing. . . . ?"This request outlines the specific behavior that you would like the other person to change and provides a brief explanation of how you think this would be helpful ("I think it would help change this pattern. . . ").
There are some very specific strategies you can use to ensure that you communicate assertively and structure your conversations to include these three components. For example, using "I statements" can be helpful in this regard. If you're careful to start statements with "I feel. . . ", "I think. . . ", or "I'd like. . . " it is easier to express yourself clearly without judging or blaming someone else. This keeps the focus on the part of the interaction that is a problem for you--and sticking to communication about how something feels for you leaves very little room for argument. A general sentence structure that promotes this is "I feel when you do . Would you be willing to do instead?"
Another related strategy for communicating assertively is sticking to facts, not judgments. The difference between the two might look something like this: "Your hair is sticking up" vs. "You are a total mess; I can't believe you're going out like that!"Another piece of sticking to the facts is staying focused on one topic instead of bringing in other things you're upset about. If the person you're talking to starts bringing up other issues or criticizing/blaming while you're trying to communicate assertively, you might say something like, "I understand that there are other things that you're upset about. I'd like to finish talking about and then would be happy to hear about that upsets you. Could we get back to now?"
Sometimes the person you're speaking to will have a lot of resistance to listening, even when you're communicating assertively and clearly. In that case you might try using a "broken record" technique in which you keep repeating your point in a calm, pleasant voice. If this doesn't help (or if it seems to aggravate the situation), you can comment on that by saying something like, "This conversation doesn't seem to be going very well. Maybe we can start over. "You may also just decide that the time is not right and that you (and/or the other person) just need some time to cool off before talking about a heated issue.
Changing the way you talk to and relate to others can be difficult and generally requires a lot of practice in order to feel comfortable. It can be easier to practice assertive communication with people who you don't know very well as this can feel less scary (you have less at risk if strangers get angry with you).However, in general, people don't get angry and usually respond well to this kind of communication. More than that, being assertive in close relationships can actually improve relationships by helping people feel more connected and closer to one another.People will trust you more because they know that you will speak your mind clearly and honestly. Assertive communication can also improve your own self-esteem. If you feel empowered to speak clearly and directly, share your thoughts, and work on your relationships, you're bound to feel better about yourself in the end.
Many of you have heard of, or maybe even know someone who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (also known as Manic Depressive Disorder).Because there is so much confusion about what this disorder is, how it affects people, and how it is treated, in this article I will attempt to clarify some of these issues.
Bipolar disorder is a biological condition in which people experience extreme changes in mood that are unrelated, and/or out of proportion to, events in their lives. The mood changes dramatically alter their thoughts, feelings, physical health, behavior, and ability to attend to daily life. These mood changes are not a choice, not a weakness, and not the person's fault; instead, they are the manifestation of a complicated neurotransmitter imbalance that usually requires medical intervention to manage.
There are four main mood changes that occur for people with bipolar disorder. These include mania, hypomania, depression, and mixed episodes. Mania can start out feeling good to people; they likely notice increased energy, creativity, and sociability. This can quickly escalate however, into a full-blown manic episode in which the person begins to feel either euphoric or irritable, needs very little sleep (and still has high energy), talks so fast that others have trouble following them, has racing thoughts, has a seriously diminished attention span, has an inflated sense of power or importance, and does reckless things without concern about the consequences (this might include spending large amounts of money, engaging in promiscious behavior, driving too fast, etc. ).Sometimes people experiencing mania can even develop hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that aren't there) or delusions (firmly believing things that aren't true). During a manic episode people usually deny that anything is wrong and get very angry with anyone who expresses concern or suggests there might be a problem. This denial and lack of insight into the situation can be very upsetting to family or friends who are worried and want to help.
Hypomania is a milder form of mania.People who are hypomanic show similar symptoms to people who are manic, but these symptoms are less severe and impair their functioning less dramatically. For example, hypomanic people might report an elevated mood, increased productivity, and increased sociability but no racing thoughts or inflated sense of importance.Hypomania usually feels very good to people but is a dangerous state in that it generally very quickly leads to either full-blown mania or a major depression.
When people experience a major depressive episode, they feel at least some of the following symptoms, that interfere with their functioning, for at least 2 weeks: feeling sad and/or losing interest in things they normally enjoy, changes in sleep patterns, changes in appetite, problems concentrating and/or difficulty making decisions, motor disturbances (feeling as though they've been slowed down, or agitated with trouble sitting still), feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and/or low self-esteem, loss of energy, feeling tired all the time, and/or thoughts of suicide. As you can imagine, this mood state is incredibly distressing to people and represents a marked change from mania and hypomania. It can also be very upsetting to one's family and friends who may want desperately to be able to say or do something to help bring their loved one out of the depths of such a depression.
Finally, people with bipolar disorder sometimes experience what's called mixed episodes. These are mood states that involve symptoms of both mania and depression, that occur either simultaneously or in frequent alternation throughout the course of a day. Mixed episodes can be extremely difficult to understand and manage and can cause significant impairment in day to day functioning. For example, the person may feel agitated or excitable but also irritable and depressed. It is easy to imagine how difficult it would be to experience this cluster of emotions simultaneously and still attend to day to day responsibilities.
Due to the severity of impairment and distress that can come from experiencing these mood changes, it is extremely important to diagnose and treat bipolar disorder as early as possible. There is also emerging research that suggests that untreated bipolar disorder gets worse with time and age, and can even permanently alter brain size and chemistry.
Treatments for bipolar disorder almost always include the use of pharmacological interventions. Usually the medications that are prescribed include a mood stabilizer (like Lithium, Depakote, or Tegretol) and an antidepressant (such as Wellbutrin, Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, etc. ). This combination of medications tends to help stabilize people's moods significantly and to improve their ability to attend to daily relationships and responsibilities. In addition to pharmacological treatment, it is frequently a good idea for someone with bipolar disorder to have psychotherapy treatment as well. A therapist can help the person learn to recognize early warning signs of mood instability so that, in case they occur again, intervention and treatment can begin early. Therapy can also help people with bipolar disorder cope with any disruptions in work, school, or relationships that have occurred due to their mood changes. Developing coping skills and sticking to medication treatment (even when feeling better) are other things that might be discussed in therapy. Additional help might be found at support groups for people with bipolar disorder, in which people with the diagnosis come together to talk about their experiences and how they manage their illness.
If the early warning signs of bipolar disorder are not recognized and treated with medication or therapeutic interventions, people can often end up with impairment severe enough that they need to be hospitalized for a period of time until their moods can be stabilized. Once they are released from the hospital, it is very important to maintain whatever medication regimen has been started, and to seek follow-up help from an outpatient therapist.
While there is no one identified cause of bipolar disorder, it tends to run in families. This can be helpful to know in that, if you know that someone in your family has bipolar disorder, you can be very alert to potential signs of it in yourself, thereby catching and treating it early. Most of the time (although not always), symptoms of bipolar disorder emerge in late adolescence or early adulthood.Given this, it is particularly important that college students be aware of the signs of bipolar disorder as it is likely that someone in your classes or dorms will be diagnosed during your time in school here.
If you have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, you probably already know a lot of this information. For those of you with a loved one who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, you may need some help in understanding the illness and learning how to cope with your friend/family member's mood changes without taking them personally. There may be specific strategies you can learn to help you minimize the impact of the disorder on your life and relationship.
The old song reminds us, breaking up is hard to do. . . While this song is popular (or was) for its simply stated message, it clearly minimizes the depth of pain and complexity involved in the ending of a relationship.Breaking up is hard to do, but what makes it so hard? Are there ways to make the process easier? In this article I will talk about the specific challenges involved in breaking up, for both the break-ee and the break-er, and will also provide some tips for taking care of yourself during the period following the break.
When a relationship ends, it is nearly universal that people experience one or more of the following emotions: denial, anger, fear, self-blame, guilt, disorientation, and/or relief. Your particular feelings may depend partially on whether or not you were the one to end the relationship or whether it was your partner making this decision. Moving through the tumultuous post-break-up time can be facilitated by understanding the unique challenges of both sides.
For the break-ee (the one who got "dumped"), the good news is that you can turn on any radio station and hear about 12 songs (in a row) that speak to some aspect of the pain you're feeling right now. While you may be without your ex, you are definitely not alone. Many people's first response to hearing that their partner would like to end the relationship is disbelief. Once you get over your shock and realize what your partner has really said, you might find yourself trying to convince him/her that it's a bad idea, or that you belong together. Maybe you will bring up past positive times you've shared and wonder how your partner could discount/forget them. Following this denial phase, you might become angry, sad, vengeful, or despairing. During this phase people often cry, talk about their partners to friends (in both positive and negative terms), and/or make efforts to seek out their partners despite the break-up. You might wonder if you will ever again feel the way you felt about your ex, or if you will ever trust anyone again.People also frequently feel disoriented after a break-up; usually break-ups lead to changes in your daily routine that can throw you off balance. For example, if you talked to your partner four times a day and always before going to bed, there will now feel like a lot of free time with no one to talk to and going to sleep might be difficult. If you ate every meal with your partner, you might wonder who you will sit with at lunch now. These kinds of changes might sound insignificant, but in the period immediately following a break-up they can feel extremely important and disorienting.
For the break-er (the one who decides to call things off), the challenges you face at the end of your relationship are often overlooked or minimized by others. Making the decision to end a relationship can be agonizing. Maybe you really love your ex but just didn't see the relationship going anywhere long-term. Or maybe you ended the relationship because you don't feel you are able to put the time and energy into it that it deserves. Maybe you just weren't very happy in the relationship, or have decided that you want alone time, to date someone else, or to move away. Whatever your reasons for ending the relationship, being the one who calls it off presents challenges. Often break-ers are worried about hurting their partner, and/or feel guilty, scared, and alone. What if you are making a mistake? What if other people think you made a mistake? What if you're not happy with the break and want your ex back? Is it fair to go back and forth? What if your ex is really hurt and angry? What if you don't find anyone who loves you as much as your ex did? These are all common concerns for people deciding to end a relationship. The other issue, which is equally important, is determining exactly how you're going to make the break. What will you actually say? Will you do it in person or on the phone? What will happen if/when you see your ex out socially? It is frequently assumed that break-ups are easier for the person who makes the decision to end things, but given this complicated set of questions and issues, I'm not sure this is necessarily true.
For both break-ees and break-ers knowing how to cope with mutual friends can be difficult. Chances are, you could use some support in coping with the break-up and would like to talk to your friends--but what if all of your friends are friends with your ex too? Is this unfair to your friends? Unfair to your ex?
Below are some tips on how to cope with a break-up (whether it was your choice to end the relationship or not), and how to deal with mutual friends. One thing that can help is allowing yourself the time and space to really feel whatever you feel. Fully experiencing sadness, anger, fear, guilt, etc. can help validate the importance of the relationship as it was. Acknowledging that the relationship was significant in terms of who you are today can help you move forward without it--there are changes that have happened within you that you will carry with you even if your partner is no longer there.Noticing and allowing your emotions to come up can help you remember this.
A second way to cope with the break-up is to surround yourself with supportive people. This might be family, friends, counselors, religious leaders, professors--anyone who you feel listens and truly cares. You may need to tell the story of what happened, what you thought, what you felt, and what your fears are many times before it feels real to you. If you (or those around you) get tired of this story, you can simply say, "I'm still feeling sad about things", "I still miss him/her", or "I'm still wondering if I did the right thing". Letting others know what's going on for you, even if you don't go into detail, can help you feel less alone.
This brings me back to the issue of mutual friends. If it feels like all of your friends are also friends with your ex, you might decide not to talk to them in as much detail as you would otherwise. Involving your friends in all the painful details of the break-up can be difficult and complicated for both you and for them. They may feel they have to "take sides" and you might wonder if they've picked your side or your ex's. You can still socialize with mutual friends and can even let them know that you're having a hard time, but if you need to get out the whole story and get into details, consider talking to a family member or counselor instead.
A third tip for coping with break-ups is to refocus on yourself. Oftentimes in relationships we get focused on our partner or on "couple" issues rather than focusing on our own individual wants and needs. The post-break-up period is a great time to reconnect with yourself. What can you do to pamper yourself? What's your favorite food?Have you been neglecting school work? Can you go visit a friend at another school?Maybe go home for the weekend?
Part of refocusing on yourself means taking extra good care of yourself physically.Eating well and exercising regularly are common ways to manage stress. Making sure you get enough sleep and avoiding alcohol and drugs are also helpful during this time. Using alcohol and/or drugs can amplify any existing emotions, making whatever painful feelings you have more intense and upsetting.
Fourth, sometimes it helps to think about all the things you've learned from your relationship and the ways that these things might help you in your future.People tend to grow and learn from all relationships, even bad ones, and focusing on these positive experiences can help to counterbalance the pain of the break-up. Maybe you learned about true intimacy and trust, how to fight fairly, what you want sexually, what you would do differently in another relationship, or how to take care of yourself while being part of a couple. Maybe you got a very clear lesson about what you DON'T want in future partners. These are all very valuable lessons that you can take with you even if you never talk to your ex again.
Finally, it is important to pay attention to your level of distress. If you feel desperately sad or angry for weeks on end, feel that you are unable to attend to daily aspects of your life, and/or find that your sleep patterns have changed, your appetite has changed, or you're feeling nauseous or dizzy, it is time to seek some help.Sometimes normal grief over a break-up can become a more long-standing depression that requires professional help to come out of. This may be more likely to happen if you are someone who has experienced unresolved loss, trauma, or serious relationship stress in the past, as these old wounds may be re-opened by the pain of your break-up. Your grief might also be more likely to turn into a depression if you're someone who has struggled with depression in the past and/or has a family history of depression. If you feel that your distress over the break-up might be depression, seek the help of a mental health professional.
Does your relationship consume all of your mental and emotional energy due to regular conflicts, feelings of guilt, or friends/family expressing concern about you? Do you feel like you've lost your self in the relationship? Are you feeling alienated from friends because your partner prefers you spend time with him/her rather than other people? Are your grades suffering since you've been dating? If so, you may be involved with a controlling or manipulative partner and need some help taking care of yourself. In this article I will talk about ways to recognize controlling relationships and how to manage them and/or leave them safely.
How do you determine whether your relationship is controlling? There are several signs that can alert you that something isn't right. The first thing is feedback from friends and family. While it is normal and perhaps even expectable that someone in your life will take issue with your partner, it should be a big red flag if everyone in your life expresses concern. Similarly, if you notice that it feels easier NOT to spend time with people you've cared about for years because it often leads to fights with your partner, this should be a warning sign that something is awry in your relationship.
A second warning sign is feeling defensive of your partner. If you regularly find yourself making excuses to others (or to yourself) for why your partner behaved in upsetting ways, it is likely that you are aware on some level that what your partner is doing is wrong. This might sound something like, "She's not always so critical of me, she just had a bad day. . . . " or "He doesn't usually get so mad about me spending time with friends, he just really needs me right now. . . " It can be hard to admit that your partner's behavior is controlling or upsetting, even to yourself, because admitting that your partner is doing something unkind or manipulative usually means taking a long, hard look at what you want to do about it.
It is also important for you to recognize if your relationship has led you to stray from your goals or morals. If you are normally a very strong student but your grades and class attendance have been slipping since the relationship started, ask yourself why. If you are normally a very outgoing person who likes to spend time with friends and meet new people but have been routinely staying in your room with your partner, notice how you feel about this change. Or if you never drank much in the past but now find yourself drinking every weekend because your partner drinks and you're always together, check in with yourself to see if this change is okay with you. Does your partner press you to do things sexually that you have never been comfortable with before? If you find yourself giving in because it's "easier", you may have a controlling relationship on your hands. Is your partner saying or doing something that makes it hard for you to achieve your goals or stick to beliefs that are important to you? If so, would these things be okay with you long-term?
A fourth cue that your relationship might be controlling is noticing that your partner is excessively jealous or possessive. Caring and concern from a partner are sweet and care-taking, but jealousy and possessiveness are danger signals. If your partner doesn't want you to go out without him/her, randomly shows up at places you planned to be, or questions you too intensely about your interactions with other people, it is appropriate to be concerned. Oftentimes controlling partners will later apologize for this behavior, label it as "love", and even temporarily cease. But the jealousy and possessiveness may return and, if they do, remember that it isn't the first time you've seen these things. You are not imagining it!
It is also important to watch out for inconsistencies or subtle discrepancies in things your partner says or does. When your partner tells you one thing and later says something different, or tells someone else something slightly different, this might be evidence of your partner trying to manipulate you. This kind of manipulation can be so subtle sometimes that it can go undetected for a long time and even make you feel like you're going crazy. Your partner may try to explain away the inconsistencies and may even be convincing in his/her explanations. It is important to remember these instances though and to recall your gut feeling when they occurred. Did your instincts tell you something was wrong?
Finally, controlling relationships can turn violent. Physical violence including slapping, pinching, pushing, choking, throwing things, or threatening is never okay. Unfortunately, it is often the case that these overt signs of violence don't emerge until the relationship is well underway, making it difficult and emotionally complicated to extricate yourself. But in order to preserve your own safety, extricating yourself is extremely important. If you need help with this, seek help from a therapist, medical professional, and/or police officer.
There are certainly other signs you might notice as well, but these six things are fairly consistently observed in controlling relationships. So what do you do if you're in this kind of relationship right now? There are several ways for you to decide how to handle it. First and foremost, it is important not to beat yourself up for being drawn to this person or even for continuing to love him/her despite the controlling behavior. Controlling behavior might initially appear confident or even caring. It can also take several months or even years for it to become evident. So these folks can often look very appealing at the outset. And, like anyone, they probably have their positive qualities too. They additionally might explain or excuse their controlling behavior by appealing to your sympathy, blaming their behavior on a difficult childhood, a previous relationship in which they got hurt, etc. It is important to remember here that many of us have had difficult childhoods or painful relationships and do not go on to be controlling or manipulative of our partners.
Secondly, you can talk with family and friends more about their concerns and really listen. One of the things that frequently happens in controlling relationships is that you get alienated from your friends and family, leaving you with no support but your partner. When you reconnect with your former support system, you will most likely feel stronger in yourself and more able to look at your relationship objectively. Chances are, they've seen some of the things that your instincts have told you are wrong about the relationship. They might be able to put words to feelings you've had for months. This can help you to decide whether or not the relationship is one you want to try to salvage.
If you decide it's worth salvaging, you may need to get some professional help to assist you in sorting out what the issues are and how you can work on them together. If you decide the relationship is too painful or damaged to salvage, be decisive in this and don't allow yourself to be swayed by promises of future change. Your leaving the relationship will likely elicit a dramatically bad reaction from your controlling partner, and preparing for this can be helpful. Maybe you want to end the relationship in a public place. It is important that you be clear and concise and don't offer long-winded explanations for why you are leaving, as a truly controlling partner will likely try to turn these around in his/her favor and convince you to stay. Once you make the break, really stay away. Accepting phone calls, emails, or IMs is just confusing to both of you and makes the break-up more painful. You may also want to avoid mutual friends for a period of time so that you are less likely to run into your ex-partner.
At some point in our lives, we will all lose someone that we love. When a family member, partner or close friend dies, it is normal and healthy to grieve and there are many different ways to do this. Acknowledging and expressing our grief generally makes this process easier and more helpful in strengthening our selves and our remaining relationships. In this article I will give a brief definition of grief, talk about different ways of grieving, explain the difference between grief and depression, and talk about some ways to cope with grief.
The term grief refers to the emotional and physical changes that occur in response to the loss of someone you love. Some of the emotional reactions that people often experience are denial or disbelief, sadness, anger, loneliness, despair and even depression. Certainly people miss their loved one's presence, often finding themselves looking for the person, expecting them to arrive, and thinking about both past times together as well as lost opportunities for future closeness. Physical responses to grief can include digestive problems, sore or tight muscles, fatigue, headaches, chest pain or pressure, and many others. Often times people complain of a feeling of heaviness in their bodies; interestingly, the word grief comes from the French word grève which means heavy burden.
There are as many different ways to grieve as there are people who experience loss, and the particular form your grieving takes may be based on any one of the following things: the way the person died, your relationship to the deceased, your personality and coping style, the available support you have from others, and the traditions of your family or culture.
The particular way that your loved one died can have a big effect on the ways that you find yourself grieving. If someone is sick for a long time for example, you may experience some anticipatory grief during their illness. This does not take away from the level of distress that you might feel when they die, but it may allow you to recover sooner. If someone dies suddenly and unexpectedly, you might be more likely to experience denial or shock as a first stage of grief. Having a loved one die by suicide can elicit many painful questions, such as: Is there anything that I could have done to prevent this? What will other people think/say? Shame, guilt, and blame can complicate the grieving process making it long and difficult to resolve. This can be particularly problematic for those whose religion or culture views suicide as shameful or immoral.
In addition to the particular way that your loved one died, your relationship to that person can affect the way you grieve. Losing a family member or partner can mean losing someone who had a daily presence in your life, which can lead to a different kind of adjustment process than losing someone who you saw less frequently. Additionally, the closeness and amount of conflict you experienced in the relationship can have a profound effect on your grieving, with conflictual relationships often intensifying and complicating grief reactions.
Another factor that affects the way you grieve is your own personality and coping style. If you are someone who is prone to depression and/or has lots of stress in your day to day life, you may find it more difficult to cope with a loss than someone who has less stress and tends to be resilient in managing day to day stressors. Additionally, if you have a history of serious trauma or past experience with losses of other people close to you, your grief reaction can be very complicated and can elicit lots of unresolved pain from your past.
It is nearly universally true that people who grieve with support from others seem to feel better sooner than those who grieve alone. Having other people around to listen and to take your loss and feelings about it as seriously as you do can help you to feel understood and loved at a time when you may be feeling sad, alone, and acutely aware of your loss. It is important to find people to support you who can appreciate the importance of your loss regardless of the type of relationship you had with the person who died. For example, in terms of grief, it doesn't matter whether you have lost your parent, friend or unborn baby; what matters is that you are grieving and need support. Your friends need to understand and respect this.
The way you grieve can also be determined to some degree by your religion or cultural background. Some religions and cultures dictate how long the outward mourning process will last, what you wear while mourning, ways to honor your loved one, and/or what kind of ceremony will mark your loved one's passing. While these rituals or traditions may determine the outward expression of grief, they cannot always determine your internal reaction or recovery time.
Given that there is no time-table for grieving and some people might feel more hopeful in a matter of weeks or months and others might take years, how can you tell the difference between a normal grieving process and depression? Many times someone grieving can experience some symptoms that are typical of depression as well. These can include crying, profound sadness, low mood and physical changes. As noted, these can last for long periods of time in some cases. One of the key issues in determining the difference between normal grieving and depression is the degree to which the feelings interfere with your day to day functioning. Nonetheless, it is frequently hard to tell the difference and you may need to consult a professional to help you with this distinction.
Grieving is always painful and always requires support from other people. This may mean involving a professional mental health counselor and it may mean leaning on friends and family for more support. Even if you are someone who does not typically like to talk about your feelings, it is very important that you do so when you are grieving to help you to feel less alone, understood, and accepted in your grief. Friends and family who knew your loved one can reminisce with you about times you shared. They can also offer you some physical comforts during your grieving process like meals, back rubs, or shoulders to cry on. Many people also find support in groups. There are lots of local support groups for people who are grieving and some of them are even specialized for people who have lost a parent, for example. If you are involved in a religious practice, you may also find support from your place of worship or religious community. What matters is not where you find support, but that you find it.
In addition to getting social support while grieving, there are some other ways you can cope. Some people find it helpful to express their feelings creatively through writing, art work, scrapbooking, planting a garden, building a memorial, etc.
Taking care of yourself physically is also important. Getting enough sleep, exercising, eating well, and avoiding substance use (that might numb your feelings and slow the grieving process) can make a big difference in how you feel and cope.
You may also want to plan ahead for ways to take care of yourself on holidays, birthdays, anniversaries or other special days that may elicit more grief for you. Planning something special for yourself on these days (something that includes social support) can make a big difference in how much the day destabilizes you emotionally.
Neither you nor anyone else can dictate how you grieve. Whether you find relief by watching dumb movies, crying, writing or getting angry at the person who died, it is okay. Telling yourself (or listening to someone else tell you) to "get over it" is likely to make you feel more upset rather than less so. The most important thing is to allow yourself time, space, and support to cope with your grief.
There has been a lot of media attention given to eating disorders both on the news and on television talk-shows like Oprah and Dr. Phil. There is also increasing controversy about the ways in which media images of men and women may increase susceptibility to eating disorders or body image concerns of other kinds. But almost none of these media sources clearly educate the public about what eating disorders are and how they are treated. In this article I will attempt to do just that. I will outline three main eating disorders and the classic symptoms and struggles associated with each. I will then talk about treatment options and provide resources for people seeking more information and/or treatment.
In terms of psychiatric diagnoses and treatment, there are three distinct eating disorders that are recognized and described by both the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Edition IV, and by the National Institute of Mental Health. They are: anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating disorder.
Anorexia Nervosa: The primary characteristics of anorexia include emaciation, a relentless pursuit of thinness, unwillingness to maintain normal body weight, distorted body image (perceiving oneself as fat despite emaciation), intense fear of gaining weight, and for females, a cessation of menstruation. People with anorexia lose weight by restricting their food intake and/or exercising excessively. They may also induce vomiting, abuse laxatives, or use diuretics or enemas to increase their weight loss. People with anorexia tend to become obsessed with thoughts about food and weight, and spend the majority of their days thinking about issues related to food. They may weigh themselves repeatedly and are very controlled in their food rations.
Both men and women get anorexia, and the illness is found across age groups, cultures, and socioeconomic statuses.
There is a very high mortality rate among people with anorexia. The most common complications that lead to death are cardiac arrest and electrolyte imbalances. There is also a higher than average rate of suicide among people with anorexia. In addition to the high mortality rate, people with anorexia also frequently have coexisting psychiatric and physical illnesses including: depression, anxiety, obsessive behavior, substance abuse, cardiovascular and neurological complications, delayed physical and sexual development (depending on the age of onset), osteoporosis, brittle hair and nails, yellowish skin, growth of fine hair over the body and face, anemia, severe constipation, low blood pressure and pulse, lethargy, and drop in internal body temperature (leading to feeling cold all the time).
Treatment options for this and other eating disorders will be outlined below.
Bulimia Nervosa: People with bulimia engage in recurrent episodes of eating unusually large quantities of food (binge-ing) while feeling out of control of their eating. This binge-eating is followed by purging to get rid of the food. Purging can take several forms including self-induced vomiting, and/or excessive use of laxatives or diuretics. People with bulimia may also go through periods of restricting their food intake and/or exercising compulsively to lose weight and/or compensate for binge-eating.
Like people with anorexia, those with bulimia frequently fear gaining weight, want to lose weight, and are desperately unhappy with their body shape or size. Because purging behavior is typically done privately, there is often a sense of shame that people with bulimia feel in conjunction with their behaviors. Like those with anorexia, those with bulimia also frequently have co-existing illnesses such as depression, anxiety, and/or substance abuse issues.
The process of binge-ing and purging can result in multiple serious health problems including: electrolyte imbalance, gastrointestinal problems, oral and tooth-related problems (from the stomach acid released by vomiting), chronically inflamed and/or sore throat, swollen glands in neck and jaw, tooth decay, acid reflux disorder, and severe dehydration.
Treatment options for people with bulimia and other eating disorders will be outlined below.
Binge Eating Disorder: Similar to bulimia, binge eating disorder is characterized by recurrent binge-eating episodes in which the individual eats an abnormally large quantity of food and feels out of control of his/her eating. Unlike people with bulimia, people with binge eating disorder do not engage in purging activities or excessive exercise or laxative use after their binges. People with binge eating disorder are frequently overweight or obese as a result of their binge-ing. They often experience intense shame and/or guilt about their binge-eating, which frequently serves to perpetuate future binge-eating cycles.
Those with binge eating disorder often experience depression, anxiety, and personality disorders. When obesity results from this disorder, they also show a higher rate of cardiovascular disease and hypertension.
Treatment options for people with binge eating disorder are discussed below.
Treatment for Eating Disorders: The primary goals of any treatment for each of the three eating disorders described above include: restoring the person to a healthy weight, treating any underlying psychological issues, and preventing relapse by reducing or eliminating thoughts/behaviors that lead to disordered eating.
First and foremost, safety is addressed. This means that if someone with an eating disorder presents for treatment and they are at a weight that is so unhealthy that their basic safety is jeopardized, this will be addressed first. This is usually dealt with during a stay at a medical hospital, and may be followed by an inpatient psychiatric hospitalization or stay at a residential treatment facility where 24 hour care and monitoring can be provided.
Once safety is restored, psychological issues can be addressed. This usually involves either inpatient or outpatient psychotherapy, and may also include family therapy, group therapy, or a 12-step support group (such as Overeaters Anonymous). It might also involve the use of psychotropic medications to address any issues of depression, anxiety, or obsessive thoughts. There are many studies that show that the combination of medication and some form of individual or family therapy results in greater treatment outcomes than either of these interventions alone. There are also studies suggesting that for people with anorexia, family therapy may provide more long-term remediation of symptoms and sustained healthy weight.
Frequently treatment of eating disorders also includes nutritional counseling and planning to reduce eating disordered behaviors and provide education about healthy eating. Regular meetings with a nutritionist who specializes in working with people with eating disorders can be helpful in this regard. Groups like Overeaters Anonymous provide sponsors to help people maintain these kinds of healthy eating patterns and also to offer emotional support during this process.
There are many resources for treatment and support in managing eating disorders. The National Eating Disorders Association can be contacted at 888-931-2237 or by visiting their website at www.nationaleatingdisorders.org and they can provide you with a list of local treatment providers. There are also online resources and support groups at www.mentalhelp.net. There is also a local chapter of Overeaters Anonymous that meets in New Bedford. To learn about times and locations of these meetings, visit www.oa.org.
For many students, going home for the holiday break is the first extended period of time spent with family since arriving at college. While there may be some wonderful things about returning home, for many students (and their parents) this can also be a stressful time. Things may have changed at home: parents separate or divorce, your old room may be an office now, old family rules might feel unfair, parents might not recognize how much you've changed since leaving home, or maybe home was never a particularly happy place for you to begin with. In this article I will talk about some strategies for managing vacation time and coping with family problems that might arise around it.
One of the things that can make returning home difficult is learning that the actual structure of your family has changed. Maybe your parents have separated or divorced since you went away to school. There are many parents who "stay together for the kids" and, once you go off to college they feel no need to do this anymore. Or maybe your parents have been separated or divorced for a long time. Either way, this can provide a challenge around holiday time in that you might find yourself having to split time between parents and even whole sides of your family. Trying to divide your family time might take up so much of your vacation that it leaves little time for you to see friends or do other things you might like to do at home. If you grew up with a single parent, you may find that (s)he has developed new friends or a new romantic relationship that leaves you feeling excluded or less valued.
These kinds of changes in family structure can leave you feeling like the home you left is gone forever. One way to manage this is to talk with parents ahead of time about how much time you'll spend with them. Ask them if there are things they want to do with you and let them know if there are things you'd like to do with them. Additionally, let them know if you have made plans to get together with old friends and plan to be out a lot. Your parent(s) will likely want to spend some time with you and will be happy that you considered their needs on this at all. If you are going to be sharing time between two families, establish these plans ahead of time and let everyone know what you'll be doing.
While family change can make vacation stressful, sometimes it's the fact that your family hasn't changed that's causing problems. Old family rules, curfews, and expectations just may not fit anymore. You have been living independently for at least a few months now and your parents may have trouble acknowledging this and altering their rules and expectations accordingly. This can also be something you talk about with your parents in advance of your coming home. Review what the old rules were and propose some new ones, understanding that there will likely be a negotiation process involved. Clarifying rules before you get home can help reduce conflicts around them once you're there.
For many students, home has never been a happy place and the idea of returning there for vacations might feel like anything but a vacation. If being home is exceedingly complicated or painful for you, you might decide to spend a holiday with a friend's family. Alternatively, you could opt to take classes over the winter break and stay on campus. There are also numerous work or volunteer opportunities that provide housing and/or involve staying overnight, which would allow you more time outside of your home. Vacation time is meant to be exactly that: a break. If being at home does not allow you to relax and feel rested and ready to come back to school then planning to spend time somewhere else might be your best option.
Everyone experiences family conflict and "growing pains" at times. Being able to reflect on your family dynamics and the ways that they've shaped who you are and how you interact with others can be very helpful. It can also allow you to have greater understanding and compassion for your parents and other family members. Even if they hurt you or disappointed you at times (and everyone's parents do), they helped to shape who you are today. There are likely to be at least a few ways that they've shaped you that feel positive to you, and keeping this in mind when you're around your parents can help to minimize conflict and tension in the relationship.
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions. "
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?" When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. . . When I came back the entire area was missing. -- Steven Wright
Maybe these one-liners from Steven Wright make you laugh or at least smile a little. If so, how does it feel? Most of us have had the experience of being around someone who lightens our mood by saying something funny. Now there is increasing research on humor that suggests that incorporation of humor and laughter into your daily life promotes mental and even physical health. And it's fun! In this article I will outline some of the health benefits of humor and will discuss ways to incorporate more humor into your life.
A study done at the University of Maryland Medical Center suggests that having a sense of humor and an ability to laugh at oneself and/or stressful situations can relax your body and increase your capacity to fight disease. Regular incorporation of laughter and humor can reduce stress, lower blood pressure, elevate mood, reduce the risk of heart disease, boost the immune system, improve brain functioning, promote relaxation, and foster closer relationships.
In terms of mental and emotional health, humor helps reduce the frequency and duration of painful or uncomfortable emotions. It is impossible to feel angry, depressed, anxious, etc. and to feel humor at the same time. If you can bring a light-hearted humor to everyday experiences, these "negative" emotions are less likely to crop up at all. Having a sense of humor can also help you to meet new people and brings you closer to those with whom you have existing relationships. It is fun to laugh and when you're funny and/or laughing, other people want to be around you. Experiencing humor leads us to talk more, make more eye contact with other people, and touch people in a compassionate way. If you can laugh with someone else, especially about a problem or stressful situation, it connects you with that person in a more intimate way and makes the situation more tolerable for both of you.
The benefits are clear! So how can we learn to laugh, have a sense of humor, and just generally lighten up? The first thing is to smile more often. Smiling, like laughter, is contagious. If you smile, those around you are more likely to smile at you. Plus, smiling releases endorphins in our brains that actually, chemically, make us feel better!
Second, learn to be grateful for the things and people in your life. Noticing the things you're grateful for shifts your thoughts from negative (or neutral) to positive. Having positive thoughts is the first step towards humor and laughter. Chances are there is something positive you can take away from even the most negative or upsetting situation. You may have to look really hard, but there's likely to be something good--if only that the bad event is over.
Incorporate happy people who laugh a lot into your life. If you hear people laughing, try to get in on it. Ask them what's so funny. Usually people want to share their jokes or funny stories because humor and laugher feel so good that they want to experience it all over again by telling you. Seeking out people who routinely incorporate humor in their lives will influence you in a similar way. If you feel that most of the people around you are serious and lacking in the humor department, try watching funny movies, going to comedy shows, or even signing up for a "joke of the day" on a humor website.
You can also increase the humor in your life by finding ways to be silly or childlike (while still attending to daily responsibilities). Wearing ridiculous clothes, keeping toys around you (personally, I enjoy bobble head dolls and slinkys), telling stupid jokes, or using temporary hair color are all possible ways to lighten up your mood and probably that of those around you. Those of us who spend time around little kids might have an easier time of this--since kids are naturally curious and funny, spending time with kids can remind us of this side of ourselves.
Learn to laugh at yourself! We all make mistakes, have insecurities, have foibles, and do embarrassing things. If you can talk or joke about how embarrassed or uncomfortable you've been in these kinds of situations, you've learned to laugh at yourself. Other people will laugh too and chances are they'll be laughing because they've done or felt the same thing.
Finally, one of the most important things you can do to increase the humor and lightness in your life is to learn to manage stress and any overwhelming personal problems going on in your life. This might mean that you need some professional help to cope with the painful stuff before you can feel humor again. It's very hard to feel stressed and humorous at the same time, so get some help getting that stress under control.
It seems only appropriate to end this article with a mental health joke--this one's from the website www.gcfl.net: (Good Clean Funnies List): During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university. "Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family. "
"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester. "
Intimacy in Relationships: Fear vs. Overload--Is there a balance?
You met someone. She's all you can think about. He's smart, funny, good-looking and kind. She is thoughtful and honest. He is the date of your dreams. But now what? Building and maintaining intimate relationships takes a lot of work both at the outset and throughout the relationship, and there are some common barriers to intimacy that can make it more difficult. Some people have a fear of intimacy which limits their ability to be close, while others may engage in intimacy overload and smother their partners. How can you avoid these barriers and be open and loving, trusting and intimate in a healthy way?
After that first date, you sense that your partner is hanging back a little, acting reserved. (S)he is quiet and not outwardly affectionate. Maybe (s)he doesn't like you as much as it seemed. . . or maybe your partner has a fear of intimacy. Many people are afraid to get really close to others due to worry about getting hurt, fear of rejection, and/or history of painful relationships. Often people who have a history of conflictual family connections and/or painful past romantic partnerships are, understandably, scared to open up to someone new out of fear that the new relationship will be as difficult as past ones. Out of a desire to protect themselves, they may limit how much they share, how much time they spend with a new partner and/or their outward display of affection. These signs of intimacy just feel too risky.
Other times, people who fear intimacy put up roadblocks to closeness without even realizing that they're doing it. This can take the form of working all the time so that there's no time left for your partner, spending all your free time with friends instead of having one on one time, or engaging in addictive behaviors (like drinking, using drugs, gambling, or using pornography) that leave you emotionally unavailable. People who block intimacy in these ways may not even be conscious of the ways in which their behaviors alienate their partners. If you find that you are in a relationship with someone who is doing these things, try talking to him/her about the ways that their behaviors affect you and your level of intimacy. Chances are, your partner is scared of getting close for some reason; the more that you and your partner can understand these fears the easier it will be for you to overcome them as a couple.
Just as having a fear of intimacy can limit your ability to be close to your partner, having the tendency to engage in intimacy overload can limit closeness as well. Intimacy overload arises when you want so much to be close to your partner and worry so much about whether or not you're close, that you spend almost all of your time focusing on your partner, touching your partner, thinking about your partner, and/or worrying that (s)he doesn't feel the same way that you do. You might regularly try to initiate relationship discussions and/or feel jealous of any time that your partner spends with other people. While these behaviors are usually done in an attempt to get closer, they actually serve to push him/her away. It's too much pressure! The effect of focusing so much on your partner is that (s)he ends up feeling controlled--as though you're trying to micromanage his/her life--and the effect is that (s)he wants to get away. This is where it can be helpful to remember the old saying: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or, more pointedly: I can't miss you if you don't go away. It sounds funny, but it's very true. The paradox is that taking care of yourself and focusing on what you want and need makes you more appealing to other people. It is certainly important to maintain closeness with your partner and to focus on relationship issues at times, but having this as your exclusive focus is a sure-fire way to kill your relationship passion and intimacy.
A healthy level of intimacy in relationships is fluid and not something that you achieve once and then maintain forever. It takes effort and adjusting depending on what is going on for each of you in your lives outside the relationship. In general though, it requires openness, honesty, willingness to listen, ability to be physically and emotionally available to your partner on a regular basis, ability to accept criticism and negotiate relationship rules, and ability to take care of yourself and get enough time alone (and with friends). It also generally includes a physical intimacy and willingness to talk about and explore sexuality, how/if it fits into your relationship, and what it means to you as a couple. In order to have this kind of closeness, you and/or your partner may need to take a look at the fears or tendency towards intimacy overload that stand in your way.
Learning to Relax: Mind, Body and Soul
Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering. ~Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A.A. Milne
Imagine this: you're stretched out on a soft blanket, the sand warm all around you. As you lie there, you feel the sun warming your face and listen to the soft hissing sounds of the surf, lapping the sand near your feet. An occasional seagull call sounds above the waves. You can smell the salt air on the wind that gently blows through your hair. . . . .
If you were really able to imagine this scene, using all of your senses, you are likely feeling more relaxed now, both physically and mentally, than you were before you began. Given all the stressors that life brings- academic, personal, familial- how can you achieve this kind of relaxed state and maintain some part of it in your day to day life? In this article I will outline some strategies for relaxation and talk about some ways to incorporate these into your life on a regular basis, regardless of any external stressors.
It is self-evident that when we are relaxed we feel good, but what many people don't realize is that this subjective sense of feeling good may actually be accompanied by physical health benefits. According to researchers like Herbert Benson, regular relaxation (combined with other self-care practices) can help prevent or control all kinds of health problems including: high blood pressure, eczema, acne, irritable bowel syndrome, migraine headaches, depression, anxiety, herpes, endometriosis, insomnia, and many, many other conditions. And yet, despite these clear benefits and the good feeling elicited by relaxing, there are many people who feel they don't have the time or ability to incorporate regular relaxation practices into their lives. Over and over again I hear people say that their lives are too hectic, too stressful, for them to relax. My response is that these are the times that you need relaxation the most!
We all have lives that are, at least sometimes, busy and stressful. But there are things that you can do, some of which take only a few minutes, to bring a sense of relaxation even in the midst of stress.
One strategy for promoting relaxation is to use deep breathing exercises. These are really easy and very effective. All you need to do is take a long, slow, deep breath in through your nose, making sure you fill your lungs completely. As you inhale, allow your belly to push outward, making it as full as you can. Once you've inhaled completely, then you will exhale completely--again, through your nose with a long, slow breath. As you exhale, pull your belly in to help push out all the air in your lungs. (It can help to close your eyes while you're doing this as a way to minimize distraction and help you really focus on your breath. ) That's it! Breathing in this manner for only 2-3 minutes a day will dramatically reduce stress and help you relax both physically and mentally. The more you practice this, the easier it will become and the more quickly you will feel the benefits. Because this is inconspicuous and quick, it is also something that you can do anywhere, anytime: in class, in the mall, outside, in your room, in bed while trying to go to sleep, etc.
Another way to help you relax is to do some form of meditation. Often when I mention meditation, people quickly respond "I can't do that". But there are some easy ways to get into a meditative state that don't require you sit in the lotus position and empty your mind of all thought. For example, there are guided meditation websites you can use in which a pretty image will come on your computer screen and a voice will talk your through a relaxation exercise. All you have to do is lie on your bed and listen! Some of the websites that offer this are: http://www.audiodharma.org/talks-guidedmeditation.html and http://www.learningmeditation.com/room.htm. A second easy way to get into a meditative state is to engage in an activity that is somewhat repetitive and that doesn't require a lot of thought. Examples of such activities include: running, sewing, walking, fishing, drawing, etc. Most of us have had the experience of being so absorbed in something that time passes without our even realizing it. Usually this happens when we're engaged in an activity like the ones I've mentioned above where we get into what's called a "flow state". This is a kind of meditation!
Some other easy relaxation strategies include: lying down listening to music, imagining a scene in which you were really relaxed (maybe on vacation) in as much detail as you can, doing yoga, stretching, laughing, etc. Part of this process will be trial and error in that you'll have to try a few things before you find what works best for you. The key is to get really good at noticing when you're stressed, trying one of these interventions, and then noticing what it feels like to be relaxed. Once you've really tuned in to what your body/mind feels like when relaxed, you'll be more able to recapture this state again. It's within you, so you can have it any time you want!
Part of learning to relax involves making relaxation a priority. This might sound odd, but for many people getting things done is more of a priority than relaxing. It certainly is important to attend to daily responsibilities, but what I'm suggesting is that there are ways to get things done while maintaining a relaxed awareness rather than an internal state of stress. If you can practice some form of relaxation exercise (like the ones I've described above) every day, you will likely notice that you have increased energy and focus to get things done in other realms of your life. When you decrease your stress level, you're actually more productive.
So you're finally done with college. . . Now what?
You've ordered your cap and gown, you're looking forward to senior week, you're planning a graduation party. . . and all of these events are helping you to deflect questions from parents and professors such as, "What will you do next?" Graduating from college is a huge accomplishment and a milestone. But with it comes a host of questions that might be difficult to answer. What job will you get? Where will you live? Will you have enough money? Will you see your college friends again? WHO ARE YOU???
Let's start with the big one that everyone asks about: the job. Sometimes the particular field that you majored in during your time at college will help direct you in your job search. For example, if you majored in accounting, you will probably be able to find jobs in accounting and might begin your job search by looking for companies seeking accountants. If however, you majored in English, you might not have the same kind of obvious direction in which to move. You might want to write, in which case you could apply to newspapers, magazine, or editing jobs, or you might want to teach, in which case you would need an advanced degree. . .
One way to make these kinds of decisions is to research some potential jobs. Do some brainstorming about what jobs sound interesting to you and make a list. At this stage, it doesn't matter what they are or whether or not you're qualified, just make a list of jobs that sound interesting. Once you've gotten a list together, do some research about these jobs. (A good website to help you with this is www.bls.gov/oco/ . This is a site in which you can type in a job title and find out the demand for people in this field, the pay scale, a job description, and the necessary qualifications. ) After you've learned more about the job and the requirements of it, you may decide it's not right for you or you're not prepared enough for it yet. Or, you might feel like it's perfect. Either way, you have now narrowed your search.
Once you've come up with a few jobs that sound interesting to you, browse the papers or online ads to see what's available. Having an idea of what you're interested in ahead of time will help guide you in your search. Circle jobs that might work for you. Hopefully there will be at least 3 or 4 that you find interesting (if not, keep looking every day until there are). The next step is sending out resumes.
The Career Resource Center can help you with making a resume, and/or you can also find some sample ones online. When you're sending a resume out to a potential employer, it is important to accompany it with a cover letter. This is a brief letter, addressed to each potential employer specifically (i.e. Dear Susie X at Megafun Company), in which you explain who you are, why you're interested in the job, and why you think you would be a good candidate. Once you mail out this packet (resume plus cover letter), it is often a good idea to follow it up several days later with a phone call, making sure the company received it and expressing your continued interest in the position.
The process of searching for a job can be quick or can be lengthy. Since there is no way to predict this, it is helpful (and stress-reducing) to begin several weeks or even months before graduation. This also allows you to schedule in a vacation for yourself if you want one, as you can set a "start date" for whenever you want it. If the quest for the perfect, lucrative job that is related to your major and previous work experience is not successful (this sometimes happens), you may need to take a job you're less enthusiastic about first, just to support yourself until you can find something else. Many people do this and it does not mean you're a failure or will never have a career.
Okay, so now you have a job. Do you earn enough money from your job to pay rent somewhere? What about utilities? Gas? Food? Spending money? It can be very difficult to earn enough money to support yourself right out of college. Additionally, many of you will have student loans to pay off, beginning only 6 months post-graduation. That may seem like a long-time from now, but it comes up quickly and the payments can be large, depending on how much you've borrowed. One way to make life more affordable is to have a roommate (or even two). Or, though many of you might be loathe to do so, you could move back home for a while. Some of your decisions about where to live will be dictated by what job you've gotten (how much it pays and where it is), and may make the decision about your living situation easier. If you know you will need to live at home for a time in order to save money, it will be important for you to narrow your job search to options in that area.
Whether you live at home or on your own, in your life post-college it becomes very important to manage your money. This means not only paying your bills, but beginning to save money too. Even if it's only $5 a week, saving some money will help take stress off of you in your daily life and will help give you options later on (in terms of places to live, taking time off, finding new jobs, etc. ).
While these practical issues of where to work, where to live, and how to save money are important, there are also emotional issues related to graduating that are equally important. You are leaving the life that you have built here. You are leaving friends, maybe a romantic partner, professors, and your room/apartment. Will you see these people again? Will it be the same if you do? At the same time that you might feel excited about graduating, it is normal to feel sad and scared about saying goodbye. It is likely that your friends feel the same way, and talking to them about how they feel and how you will keep in touch might ease some of your worry about it. You have grown and changed in many ways since move-in day of freshman year, and while some of those changes were UMD-dependent, most of them were within you and will therefore go with you when you leave. You have become someone different from who you were when you arrived- through the fun times, the social drama, the academic struggles and successes, the tears, the vacations, the changing family relationships, etc. Those changes will help set the stage for who you are in the rest of your life.
And if you're lucky, you will continue to change and grow forever. Your new job and living situation, your changing relationships with college friends and the new friends you make post-college will all continue to shape who you are, what you think, and how you feel. This is a life-long process and it is important to remember that, as we let some parts of ourselves go, new parts emerge and develop. Each loss is also a gain. Losing UMD and your life here means creating a new home and life somewhere else. And that is perhaps the best graduation gift you will receive.
Television shows like "Monk" have brought humor and attention to the very serious illness Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). In this disorder people develop rituals to manage their anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Their thoughts and rituals can be very time consuming and upsetting, seriously disrupting their lives and relationships. But there are also millions of people who do not have OCD, but nonetheless struggle with obsessive thoughts. This group does not use rituals to quell anxiety, but instead simply go round and round with their uncomfortable thoughts, getting more and more anxious as they go. In this article I will talk about this subset of people who frequently find themselves obsessing about something and feel unable to get the thought out of their minds. I will first talk about the nature of obsessive thoughts and will then outline some ways to manage them and reduce the anxiety that causes them.
In order to understand obsessive thoughts better, it's important to understand the typical common features of obsessive thinkers. First of all, obsessive thinkers tend to have a high level of anxiety. This might be situational--you have a lot of stress in your life for a week or two and find that your mind gets fixated on certain thoughts during that time period but once your stress level decreases, your thought patterns change as well--or it might be more long-term. In either case (but especially if your anxiety and obsessing is frequent), learning to manage anxiety can help reduce the frequency and intensity of obsessive thoughts.
Because most obsessive thinkers are anxious, most obsessive thoughts share the theme of anxiety or fear. Many obsessive thoughts involve a concern with some potential disaster or hurtful scenario. For example, you might worry constantly about someone breaking into your apartment, your partner leaving you, getting sick, etc. Sometimes the worry is not even specific but is more of a general dread that "something bad will happen". One of the problems with these kinds of worries is that, because bad things DO happen occasionally, it can often feel like the worry was warranted or confirmed. This sense that you were right to worry as much as you did (even if you were worried for 3 years before something sort of bad even happened) serves to perpetuate further worries.
(As a quick aside, to highlight the difference between people who have obsessive thoughts/anxiety and people who have true OCD, those with OCD try to find ways to "undo" the potential danger they imagine in their obsessive thoughts by performing rituals. So, for example, if someone with OCD had the obsessive thought that something bad would happen to them, they may begin try to prevent this imagined bad thing from occurring by tapping their right foot three times. The ritual doesn't ACTUALLY prevent anything bad from happening but it helps to calm the anxiety that is generated by the obsessive thought. )
Often obsessive thoughts are irrational or exaggerated and obsessive thinkers might even be aware of this. This can be really frustrating; if you're aware that your worry is unlikely or doesn't make sense, why does it still feel so upsetting? Why can't you just stop? This frustration is frequently made worse by others telling you, "Don't worry about it" or "Relax!" If you could "just relax", you already would have!
Another common characteristic of obsessive thoughts is that when you try to resist them they often intensify. So someone keeps telling you to relax and so you really try. You try to stop thinking, "What if my girlfriend breaks up with me? What if she cheats on me?" You try to force the thought out of your mind. And what happens? It gets worse! You then begin to think, "But if I don't think about it or pay attention to potential signs, then I won't notice. I will be hurt and I won't see it coming. " It feels too dangerous to stop thinking about it! The paradox here is that trying to stop thinking obsessive thoughts makes them worse, but accepting the thoughts can ease them. I will discuss this idea of acceptance further later in the article.
Okay, so you know you have obsessive thoughts, you (at least sometimes) know they are irrational, and you know you need to do something to help change this pattern. Now what? The first step is to be very determined to work on changing your thought pattern. It's not easy and will take determination and persistence for you to succeed. The second step is recognizing that it doesn't really matter what you're worried about, but more that you're worried. Begin to recognize that the specific content of your worry is secondary to the level of anxiety you feel. Anxiety as a general experience is easier to manage than the content of any particular obsessive thought (this is because if you think about the content and try to convince yourself that it's unwarranted, you will get very frustrated and engage in mental arguments with yourself about why it's important to worry about). The final step in this process is learning to accept your obsessive thoughts instead of resisting them. This is the least logical step and probably the scariest for someone who worries a lot. But think about it this way: instead of getting upset that you're having obsessive thoughts, judging yourself for them and increasing your anxiety about them, learning to say, "Here go my thoughts again" or "It's okay that I had that thought- it's just a thought" might not eliminate the thought right away but diffuses the anxiety associated with it.
There are some specific strategies that can help you move through these steps. The first strategy is postponing. This involves acknowledging that you are someone who tends to worry and that, rather than trying to push away all obsessive thoughts, you're going to allow them but you're going to find a way to feel more in control of them than you have in the past. So you schedule a time to worry. At 4pm today, I will spend 15 minutes worrying about someone breaking into my house. If you find yourself beginning to obsess over this thought before 4pm, you mentally remind yourself that it's not time yet. When 4pm arrives, you can either begin obsessing, or postpone it again. This kind of scheduled worry allows you to accept the obsessive thought and simultaneously feel more control over it.
The second strategy is learning to change the way you obsess. This is a multi-step process that involves recognizing that you're having an obsessive thought, reminding yourself that it's okay to occasionally have this kind of thought, remembering that the specific content of your worry is not important (resist the temptation to analyze it), and finally, developing specific behaviors that help you distract yourself from the thought and emotion associated with your obsession. For example, some distraction techniques include: listening to music, dancing, watching TV, exercising, talking to a friend (about something ELSE!), writing out your worry again and again until you get bored by it, etc. All of these techniques alter the emotions and anxiety level you feel in relation to your obsessive thought. Once you've done this once, the next time the thought comes up it is likely to feel less scary and more controllable.
The third thing that can help you manage obsessive thoughts and the anxiety associated with them is learning to relax your body. Anxiety frequently leads to muscle tension and/or rapid, shallow breathing. These physiological changes consistent with a fight/flight response send the message back to our brains that we're in danger and it's necessary to worry. So if you can relax your body and reduce the physical symptoms of anxiety, this can interrupt the negative feedback to your brain. Some ways to relax your body include: deep breathing, yoga, cardiovascular exercise, massage, stretching, etc.
Finally, when you're trying to manage obsessive thoughts, it is important to try to face the situations that you usually try to avoid. Every time you avoid something out of fear, the fear gets stronger. For example, if you obsess about the idea that touching a doorknob will give you germs and make you sick, and you have avoided touching doorknobs for 3 months and never gotten sick during that time, your belief that touching doorknobs will make you sick has likely increased. Disconfirming your worry requires that you prepare yourself to face the dreaded experience. Preparation for this kind of task involves reminding yourself of how committed you are to overcoming obsessive thinking and worry, remembering that you have found some ways to feel more in control of your thoughts, and knowing that you have some ways to relax your body when you start to feel anxious. Approaching the feared situation armed with this knowledge can help you to confront your obsessive thought head-on and, over time, reduce its power.
Do you have trouble falling or staying asleep? Does your mind race, your body twitch, and/or your dreams waken you? Sleep problems are one of the primary reasons that people seek medical attention. They can interfere with both mental and physical health, leading to problems at work, in school, and in relationships. In this article I will first identify several kinds of sleep problems, and will then give some suggestions for how to get a better night's sleep (so you can wake up feeling rested).
There are multiple varieties of sleep problems. The most common categories of sleep difficulty include having trouble falling asleep, and having trouble staying asleep. People have trouble falling asleep for a multitude of reasons including anxiety/stress, obsessive thinking, caffeine or sugar ingestion, restless leg syndrome, side effects of some medications (most commonly ADD medications, decongestants, etc. ), and many others. Difficulty staying asleep (waking frequently) and/or early wakening can be caused by such things as depression, anxiety, nightmares, hormonal imbalances, etc. Below I will review some behavioral strategies for improving both of these sleep conditions, but certainly if you have had long-standing sleep problems it makes sense for you to see your doctor first to rule out any potential physical causes.
Some general strategies for improving sleep habits might include:
1) Making sure that your bedroom is conducive to sleep. This basically just means setting up your bedroom environment to maximize the possibility of sleep: making sure your bed is clean and comfortable, your room is quiet and dark, and the temperature in your room is comfortable. This might sound basic, but for a lot of college students problems in the physical environment can be one of the primary causes of sleep disturbance. Maybe your hall is noisy, your roommate is up late studying with the lights on, or your room is too hot. Doing the best you can to negotiate these environmental conditions with your roommate, RA, or anyone else who can assist you in altering your physical environment will most likely help you to get a better night's sleep.
Another practical issue that can contribute to sleep problems for students is using your bed for multiple functions. Ideally, your bed should be used for sleep and sex ONLY. If you frequently study in bed your body can become conditioned to remaining alert while in bed. This can lead to sleep problems down the road. Try studying at your desk, in a common area, or in the library to reduce these problems.
2) Getting into a sleep routine. Having a bedtime routine that you do the same way (and preferably, at the same time) each night helps prepare your mind and your body for the fact that it's time to relax and sleep. Bedtime routines might include taking a hot shower/bath, listening to relaxing music, reading (something light--not schoolwork!), deep breathing, etc. Anything that allows your body to physically relax and does not require much mental concentration can work in a sleep routine.
Although many people include TV-watching as part of their routines, there is some research suggesting that this might not be helpful. TV can actually stimulate brain activity rather than quiet it, and many television programs contain some level of disturbing material that can make its way into your dreams, leading to disrupted sleep.
Once you've established a routine, whatever that includes, it is important to do it the same way and at roughly the same time every night. The routine helps condition your body and mind to relax, and also helps to reset your circadian rhythm (that controls your sleep cycles). Once this conditioning is established it will take less and less time for you to reach this state, allowing you to drop into sleep more easily and quickly.
3) Learning some strategies for getting back to sleep if you waken in the night. There are some very specific dos and don'ts here. First of all, if you awaken in the night because of a nightmare, it helps to move your body, mentally remind yourself that it was just a dream, and maybe have a sip of water or a small snack. While you won't want to stay awake for any length of time after a nightmare, falling back to sleep too quickly can lead you right back into your bad dream. Moving your body or ingesting some water or food can help ground you to "real life" rather than your dream life. (As an aside here, foods like turkey, milk, and peanuts contain an amino acid called tryptophan which is a precursor to serotonin, a neurotransmitter in your brain that helps your relax. Eating small amounts of these kinds of foods can chemically promote relaxation. )
If you find yourself waking up for other reasons during the night and have trouble getting back to sleep afterwards, you might try a brief relaxation exercise. Using deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or visualization can be helpful in this regard. (To learn more about these things, feel free to contact someone in the Counseling Center for help. )
One of the big "don'ts" of waking up in the night is simply lying in bed not sleeping. If you wake up and have trouble going back to sleep for 30 minutes or more, get up and do something else. Read, listen to music, meditate, or do something else relaxing until you feel sleepy. Lying in bed worrying about falling back asleep can lead to increased anxiety, which actually wakes you up.
4) Making sure that you do things during the day that will help you sleep at night. There are things that you can do during your waking hours that will help (or hinder) your nighttime sleep patterns. Some of the things that help people get a good night's sleep are: exercising regularly, eating well, and doing relaxing activities just before bed. In terms of exercise, there is some evidence that exercising in the morning and getting morning sunlight help people feel more awake and alert for the rest of the day. It also can tire the body out enough that you really feel ready for sleep by bedtime. Eating well (especially getting enough iron) can also improve sleep patterns.
There are also some specific things that people do that can hinder good sleep at night. These include: napping during the day, ingesting too much caffeine or sugar (especially late in the day), not including enough physical activity in the day, and/or not managing stress effectively. Sometimes these negative patterns are so ingrained that they're difficult to change. For example, if you are in the habit of napping in the afternoon and then drinking Mountain Dew around 4pm to wake you up enough to study for the evening, your body will have trouble sleeping later that night. Sometimes the only way to reset your body's natural sleep rhythm is to stay awake for a full 24-hours, and then go to bed early the following night (no naps!). While this is undesirable to most of us, it can help to change your sleep patterns and get you back on track to go to bed early and get up early enough in the morning to attend to all of your responsibilities without needing a nap or excessive caffeine.
Another daytime or evening activity that negatively impacts sleep is drinking alcohol. Consuming alcohol may help you fall asleep initially, but will almost always lead to frequent waking, dehydration (feeling hot and thirsty), and unrestful sleep. If you are someone who tends to have trouble sleeping well, you may choose to avoid all alcohol consumption for a period of time and see if that makes a difference for you.
Getting a good night's sleep can help you to feel happier, less stressed, and better able to concentrate. Lack of sleep or poor quality sleep can lead to heightened emotional reactivity (which can disrupt relationships dramatically), irritability, poor mental focus, memory problems, and many other distressing symptoms. Incorporating some of these strategies to improve your sleep may make a big difference in your quality of life. Again, it is important to remember that if you have tried these (or other) strategies and continue to struggle with insomnia, you may need to consult your primary care physician to rule out any underlying medical issues.
Oh, the Drama. . . How to Cope with Social Drama (and Still Have Friends)
Oh my Gosh, did you hear that Justin hooked up with Caitlyn at Ross's party on Saturday? But then the cops came and everyone had to leave and Ross wanted to beat up Justin, and then Julie was so mad about everything that she blocked Caitlyn online and put up a really sad away message and everyone got really worried, and now none of Julie's friends will even talk to Justin or Caitlyn! And since Caitlyn's my roommate it's really awkward and we don't even talk now but she cries all the time and I feel really bad but I don't know what to do. . .
If you have ever had a conversation like this one, chances are you have felt drawn into and probably overwhelmed by the drama in your social life. Is it possible to have friends and a social life, but not this kind of drama? How do you do this? In this article I will talk about some ways to minimize your participation in social drama and also minimize its impact on you (when your friends are involved).
First of all, it is important to define "social drama" as opposed to normal socializing or relationships. Where normal socializing can involve spending time with other people, talking about all kinds of topics (including yourself), listening to your friends do the same, and addressing any conflicts that arise directly and assertively, "drama" is something different. The drama usually comes in when people start to talk about other people (instead of themselves or their own lives), become overly concerned with what other people do/say/think, and make verbal judgments or criticisms of others (i.e. gossip). It also arises when people get angry with each other and, instead of dealing with their conflicts directly, they engage in passive-aggressive vengeful behaviors (i.e. blocking someone online, putting up an away message that says how angry you are but not actually telling the person you're angry at, giving someone the silent treatment, trying to get other people to be mean to someone you're upset with, etc. ).
Minimizing your participation in social drama can dramatically reduce your stress level and allow you to enjoy your social life and friends a lot more. Doing this is fairly simple (but not necessarily easy). It requires that you refrain from gossiping and act assertively in the face of conflict. Translated into specific behaviors, this means being really careful about what you say and how you say it. When you talk to your friends, make sure that you're talking about yourself- your thoughts, feelings, actions, and even reactions are all fair game for conversation. If someone does something that upsets you and you feel like you need to process your feelings about it with another friend, make sure that you stay focused on your feelings and not on making judgments or criticisms about the person who triggered your distress. For example, instead of saying "Can you believe she said that? What a b---ch!", you might say, "When she said ____, I got really upset and now I'm not sure what to do. " Most of the time if you're upset enough about something to need to talk about it, what you're really seeking is someone to understand and validate your feelings. Having your friend bad-mouth the person who wronged you might feel good temporarily but doesn't actually help you in the long run.
The other part of minimizing your involvement in social drama is acting more assertively. This means recognizing and clearly communicating your needs and feelings to other people. Therefore, if someone does something that hurts or upsets you, instead of telling everyone else about it, consider talking to that person directly. Let them know what they did and how you felt about it, without attacking or blaming. Just state the facts. This preserves your integrity and also respects the integrity of those around you. Being able to communicate assertively with your friends and romantic partners is one of the key ways to reduce social drama. When you're assertive, there's nothing to gossip about!
But let's be honest here, you can be as careful as possible never to gossip and to speak assertively but if your friends aren't doing the same thing, you can get drawn into the drama anyway. How can you minimize the impact of other people's drama on your life and relationships?
One of the key ways to do this is learning to keep your mouth shut. Just listen! If one of your friends is upset about something and is getting dramatic about it, you can listen to what (s)he has to say without engaging the drama aspect. After you've listened to what your friend says, you might ask questions like, "So what are you going to do?" or "So how does this affect you personally?" Helping your friends refocus on themselves is a gentle way to point out that they weren't doing that initially. You can also say this more directly to people; you might let people know that you are trying not to engage in gossip and that, if you hear other people doing it, you won't participate. Remember, bonding with someone through bad-mouthing someone else is not a real or lasting bond.
Another way to minimize the impact of drama on you is by learning to limit your contact with people who you know tend to engender chaos. We all know those people who seem to bring drama with them wherever they go. Being polite and civil to these people but making sure not to share anything personal or spend too much time with them might be the best way to proceed if you really want to reduce the drama in your own life.
Part of reducing social drama and its impact on you is also in changing your attitude. Remembering that, even if it doesn't look that way, we're all doing the best we can. Everyone wants the same thing- to be loved, respected, and connected to other people- it's just that people don't always go about it in effective ways. So next time someone starts gossiping, acting passive-aggressively, or just generally being dramatic, remind yourself that what they really want is love and attention. Thinking about it in this way can limit the distress it causes you and can shift your focus to being kind to the other person rather than critical. Finding healthy ways to get love, respect, and attention without undue social drama is the life-long task we all face.
According to many recent research articles, the most common reason that people seek medical or psychological attention is due to stress. Some studies estimate that up to 90% of doctor's visits are for symptoms that are at least partially stress related! As a psychologist in the UMD counseling center, it is certainly my experience that many college students struggle to manage stress effectively and seek help in ameliorating the negative effects of stress on their minds and bodies. Because of this, I have put together this brief article on stress: some health problems that can be caused by it, some things that increase it, some ways to decrease it, and even some ways that small amounts of it can be helpful.
One of the ways that people realize they have too much stress in their lives is by noticing physical or mental health problems. Because chronic stress leads to an over activated autonomic nervous system, a variety of these issues can ensue. The first symptoms of chronic stress tend to be relatively mild and include tight muscles, nausea, chronic headaches, and increased susceptibility to colds. Further exposure to chronic stress has been linked to more serious health problems including (but not limited to): depression, diabetes, hair loss, heart disease, hyperthyroidism, obesity, obsessive-compulsive or anxiety disorder, sexual dysfunction, and ulcers.
Given this profoundly unpleasant set of symptoms, it seems natural to ask, what causes all of this stress to begin with? While it is certainly true that stress can be caused by external events (such as moving, changing jobs, changes in relationships, loss, etc. ), it is also caused to some degree by our thoughts and attitudes. (It is certainly made worse by negative thoughts and attitudes. ) Some of the thoughts/attitudes that contribute to stress include: having a Type A personality (i.e. being hostile, controlling, perfectionistic), negative self-talk (i.e. mentally telling oneself, "You can't do this", "You never do anything right", "No one will ever love you", etc. ), poor conflict resolution skills (which leads to increased relationship difficulties), general pessimism, and the tendency to over commit.
So how do we reduce our stress? While it may sound simple, changing the thoughts and attitudes that we've developed over a lifetime isn't easy and sometimes requires professional help. But there are things that you can do on your own to reduce your stress level as well. First, you can pay attention to the way you talk to yourself internally. Are you being negative? Assuming the worst? Try changing these self-messages to something more positive. In addition to changing thought patterns, if you're finding yourself very stressed and overwhelmed you can interrupt your stress response by doing things like: taking a walk, taking a few long, slow, deep breaths, taking a mental break (shifting your mental focus to something other than what's stressing you), reframing your situation (i.e. "Even though I feel awful about this break-up right now, maybe it's better that we're apart since there are some ways that we weren't right for each other. "), or using some kind of relaxation exercise like guided imagery or progressive muscle relaxation. If you don't know how to do these relaxation exercises, ask for help from a professional.
And taking care of yourself and reducing your stress isn't just something that you do in the moment that you're stressed; you can actually create a low-stress lifestyle for yourself. This includes things like regular exercise, regular "down-time", paying attention to your body and what it's telling you, eating well, setting boundaries in relationships, maintaining social support, finding fun distractions, keeping a positive perspective, and getting professional help if you need it.
One thing to remember is that not all stress is bad. Small amounts of acute stress (like the kind of stress you might feel just prior to an exam) can actually help you focus and motivate you to study more. The kind of stress you might feel when starting a new relationship can help you be more attentive to your partner and more excited to see him/her. There is also the kind of stress that helps us get away from dangerous situations. This stress activates the fight or flight response and actually saves our lives. So while chronic stress can be unhealthy, acute stress can be helpful.
Time's A-wastin'. . . How to Manage Your Time (& Enjoy Your Life!)
Lost, yesterday, somewhere between Sunrise and Sunset, two golden hours, each set with sixty diamond minutes. No reward is offered, for they are gone forever. -- Horace Mann
Most of us have had the experience that Horace Mann describes above; we look up from what we're doing only to realize that two hours (or more) have passed without our even noticing. . . This experience of time flying by can be enjoyable when you're doing something fun, but can have disastrous consequences to schoolwork if it happens too often. So how can you make the most of the time that you have--planning for work and studying but also having fun? The key to this balance is in effective time management.
The first step to managing your time is in thinking about your priorities. What's most important to you? What are your goals (weekly goals, semester goals, college career goals, life goals, etc. )? The more specific you can be about your goals, the easier it will be to come up with a time management plan that will assist you in reaching them (and that you will want to stick to). For example, if your goal is to get all Bs this semester, you will likely want to set aside more study time than if your goal is to make a lot of new friends and only do the minimum schoolwork required to pass. Relatedly, if your goal is to become a successful business manager, you will probably aim for all Bs instead of lots of new friends.
Once you have defined your academic and personal goals, the next task is to determine the steps you will need to take in order to meet each of your goals. So, for example, if your goal is to get all Bs, you would break this down into steps such as: attend all classes, turn in all papers on time, study for a week prior to each exam, etc. Following this break-down procedure for each of the goals you have identified can help you see more clearly what you need to do in order to meet your goals.
Seeing the steps clearly can then allow you to think about how much time you will need to complete each of the steps. So, to return to my example above, if I decide that in order to get all Bs one of the things I will need to do is to study for one week prior to every exam, I might then take out a calendar, mark the date of the test, and schedule in two hour study blocks for each day of the week prior to the test. Allowing enough time and blocking it off in a planner would remind me of the test and of my goal, and would also ensure that I give myself adequate time and space to achieve it.
Sitting down and re-working your schedule can be helpful in this regard. This might mean looking at a week in your planner and visually blocking off times that you will be in class, at work, at home, etc. , as well as time that you want to reserve for studying, going out with friends, and free-time. If there are social events you know of, you can put those in your schedule too. Making this kind of schedule helps you map out when you will be busy and when you will be free. It is important to leave some free time and not schedule every hour--otherwise, you will either stick to your schedule and be miserable, or not stick to your schedule and not get any of your work done.
Part of the scheduling process involves estimating how long assignments will take you. Some people are good at making this kind of estimate and others have a hard time. A good way to do this is to read a chapter of a text book and then look at how long it took you. That way, next time you go to allot time to do reading for that class, you'll know roughly how much time to allot. Most of us take longer to read/study material that is harder and/or that we don't like, so you may want to figure that into time allotments as well. Also, many people find that there is a particular time of day that they are best able to concentrate.
If you know that you write best in the morning and read best in the afternoon, schedule your time and assignments accordingly. It is the rare person who concentrates best at night, and yet most college students plan to do their work in the evenings. One way to avoid this is by using any free time you have during the day to do homework instead of leaving it all until the evening. For example, if you have an hour window between classes every Tuesday, you may be able to get some reading done during that time. It is not always necessary to have a long chunk of time in order to get assignments done, and, in fact, most people concentrate better when their study intervals are short. (The average attention span is about 45 minutes. )
Once you've allotted study time and you're sitting down to do work, make sure you monitor your concentration level and attention span. If you feel like your mind is wandering off to what you had for breakfast or who might be online at any given moment, give yourself a 10-minute break. Giving yourself a break can help boost your energy, concentration, and motivation. You can use the break for anything you want, as long as it's structured in terms of length. Otherwise, a "short break" can easily turn into an all-night TV marathon, leaving you with lots of unfinished work.
After you've set up daily schedules for yourself for each week day (and also weekend days too, if you have a lot of homework to get done), the schedule will become a routine. There may be slight variations from Wednesday to Wednesday, for example, but for the most part you'll have the same times allotted for classes, work, studying, etc. Once you've gotten into a routine with your time it takes less effort to maintain good study habits.
By now it should be fairly clear how effective time management can help you improve your study habits and get more schoolwork done, but can it really help you enjoy your life? (After all, I did advertise it that way!) The answer is yes, effective time management can help you to enjoy your life more. Most of us have had the experience of doing something "fun", only to find that we're not able to enjoy it because we're preoccupied with thoughts of all the things we "should" be doing instead.This kind of nagging thought and sense of shirked responsibility causes a low-level stress that interferes with enjoyment of daily activities and ability to be spontaneous and happy. If you have managed your time well and know, even if you haven't yet completed your work that you have allotted enough time to do so later, and you will be more able to enjoy your free time worry-free.
Another way that time management helps people enjoy life is by preventing people from overcommitting. If you have scheduled your time well and clearly (especially if you've done it visually on your calendar by blocking times off that are booked), you will be less likely to add "just one more thing". The tendency to overcommit causes a great deal of stress, resentment of others for asking things of you (even though you could say no), and less free time in which you could be doing fun things.
Having a regular schedule can also help you build in things like regular meal times and frequent exercise as well as study time and time with friends. Eating and exercising regularly both increase people's sense of mental alertness and concentration, and help release some of the energy that might otherwise leave you fidgeting at your desk chair, unable to sit still. Additionally, regular eating and exercise improve physical and mental health, both of which can further assist you in managing your time and achieving your goals.
It's easy to imagine the scene: you've been studying for days--maybe pulled an all-nighter--and now it's 10 minutes before a big exam in a class that's been difficult for you all semester. You sit down at a desk and as other students enter the classroom you hear the buzz of them talking: "Did you study?", "I'm so nervous", "I'm definitely going to fail!" The more they talk, the more your own anxiety rises. Soon your hands are shaking and you feel your face getting hot and a little bit sweaty. By the time the professor has passed out the test your stomach is in knots, and you DEFINITELY don't remember ANYTHING you studied. . . . . . .
While it is normal and even helpful to have a little bit of anxiety about taking a test, the above description shows how extreme test anxiety can interfere with your ability to demonstrate what you know and succeed in your classes. Some students experience mainly physical symptoms of test anxiety (headaches, nausea, faintness, changes in body temperature, etc. ) and others experience more emotional symptoms (crying easily, feeling irritable, getting frustrated quickly, etc. ). Another manifestation of test anxiety is in cognitive symptoms. It can lead to difficulty in memory retrieval and ability to organize thoughts. It can also make it hard to read questions accurately and pick out key words or themes. These anxiety-induced cognitive changes can lead to poor test performance, thus increasing anxiety about future tests, leading to a vicious cycle of anxiety and poor performance.
So what causes this kind of extreme test anxiety? One thing that can cause test anxiety is lack of preparation. If you are somebody who has trouble managing your time, organizing your notes, or maintaining good study habits, you are likely feeling unprepared. Additionally, you may have stayed up all night cramming before the exam, leaving you sleep deprived and stressed. One thing that's important to know is that memory consolidation (transfer of information from short term to long term memory) only happens during sleep. So if you cram all night before a test and don't sleep, you may not remember anything you studied. Obviously this would leave you feeling unprepared and probably more anxious about the test.
Aside from poor preparation, another thing that can cause test anxiety is a more generalized tendency to worry. This can be elicited by poor performance on past exams ("I never do well"), worry about how other students are doing ("I'm going to be the last one done again--I'm so stupid!"), and/or worry about the negative consequences of failure ("My family will be disappointed in me"). These kinds of worries leave students focused on their fears instead of on the test at hand. They increase anxiety by maintaining a negative focus.
Given these problematic effects of extreme test anxiety, it becomes very important for those who are prone to this kind of anxiety to learn skills for coping with it. Below is a list of 5 steps you can take to manage test anxiety.
1) Develop your study skills. This involves developing ways to manage your time effectively by using a planner, starting to study early for a test instead of waiting until the night before, and giving yourself breaks. It also involves paying attention to how you learn best. For example, some people concentrate better in the morning and some in the evening. Some people use flashcards while others copy over their notes. Sometimes studying in a group can be helpful while other times studying alone is more effective. You might need to try several study tactics before you find one that works best for you. Even then, you may find that you need to alter this depending on the course and materials that you're studying.
2) Pay attention to your study environment. This might sound like an odd suggestion as a way to manage test anxiety, but the reason I include it here is that the environment in which you study can have a big impact on how efficient your study time is. Creating a study environment that's conducive to learning might involve: taking steps to minimize distracting noise, setting boundaries with friends/family so that they don't interrupt you (through visits, phone calls, or IMs), making sure that you're comfortable but not too comfortable (you don't want to fall asleep), and ensuring that you have all the study materials you will need at hand. There is also some evidence showing that learning can be "state dependent". This means that creating a study environment (a "state") that is similar to the environment in which you will take the test (similar to a classroom) might help you recall study material during the test.
3) Mentally prepare for test anxiety. If you know that you are someone who tends to get anxious around exams, you can anticipate this and go into the situation prepared. This entails staying focused on what you have to do, taking one step at a time and not mentally jumping ahead, and paying attention to the internal messages you are telling yourself. If you were to write down the thoughts running through your mind just prior to the test would they be positive ("I am going to do the best I can", "I have studied for this", etc), or negative ("I don't know anything", "I never do well", etc. )? Positive self-messages tend to reduce anxiety while negative ones can increase it.
4) Learn specific skills to cope with anxiety when it comes up. There are some concrete things that you can do when you feel anxious that can help reduce your stress level and clear your mind. One skill you can utilize is deep breathing. This involves taking long, slow, deep breaths through your nose. Slowing down your breath can slow down your heart rate which, in turn, calms your body. Once your body feels relaxed it can send the message to your mind that things are okay. If you are having trouble slowing your breath, try closing your eyes for a minute or two while you breathe.
A second skill you can use that I alluded to above is using positive self-statements. These are positive messages that you internally say to yourself as a way to stay focused and calm. They might be things like "I studied for this test and know a lot of the material", "I am going to take my time on this test and read questions carefully", "My friends and family will love me no matter how I do on this test", etc. The important thing about these statements is that they should be positive and also that they should feel TRUE. Saying things like "I will ace this test and get an A in the class" if you have a D average is not realistic and will therefore only increase your anxiety.
Thirdly, there are some specific test-taking skills that you can learn. These will vary depending on the subject matter and type of test, but almost always include reading questions slowly and carefully and making sure you understand what the question is asking. They might also include using a process of elimination (for multiple choice), answering questions you're sure of first and then returning to those you're unsure of, and budgeting your test taking time. If you find yourself losing focus during the test or becoming increasingly anxious, you can try changing positions, taking a break, or closing your eyes and breathing deeply for a minute or two.
5) Reward yourself. After a test, take a minute or two to review what strategies you used to calm your anxiety and how well they worked. Once you have done this, give yourself a reward for completing the test to the best of your ability. You can schedule a date with a friend, a meal, or something else that would be fun for you. This kind of reward takes the focus off of the stress of the test and can reduce any remaining anxiety.
To educate yourself for the feeling of gratitude means to take nothing for granted, but to always seek out and value the kindness that will stand behind the action. Nothing that is done for you is a matter of course. Everything originates in a will for the good, which is directed at you. Train yourself never to put off the word or action for the expression of gratitude. -- Albert Schweitzer
As the study of happiness and emotional well-being gains popularity in psychological and scientific study (it has long been popular in the fields of religion and philosophy), there is increasing research on the nature of gratitude, its causes, and its potential consequences for health and mental/emotional well-being. In this article I will review some of the recent findings about the relationship between gratitude and health, and will then outline some ways to increase the experience and expression of gratitude in your life.
Researchers like Martin Seligman, Robert Emmons, and Michael McCullough are turning their attention to the study of gratitude and its relationship to health and mental well-being. I will present some of their findings here to help us understand how gratitude is helpful and why it's important to our well-being.
- People who keep gratitude journals on a weekly basis have been found to exercise more regularly, have fewer physical symptoms, feel better about their lives as a whole, and feel more optimistic about their upcoming week as compared to those who keep journals recording the stressors or neutral events of their lives.
- Daily discussion of gratitude results in higher reported levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness, energy, and sleep duration and quality. Grateful people also report lower levels of depression and stress, although they do not deny or ignore the negative aspects of life.
- People who think about, talk about, or write about gratitude daily are more likely to report having helped someone with a personal problem or offered emotional support to another person.
- Those with a disposition towards gratitude are found to place less importance on material goods, are less likely to judge their own or others success in terms of possessions accumulated, are less envious of wealthy people, and are more likely to share their possessions with others.
- Emerging research suggests that daily gratitude practices may have some preventative benefits in warding of coronary artery disease.
You might be asking yourself how this all works. There is a complex relationship between thoughts, moods, brain chemistry, endocrine function, and functioning of other physiological systems in our bodies. While an in-depth discussion of this relationship is beyond the scope of this article, suffice it to say that our thoughts can actually trigger physiological changes in our body that affect our mental and physical health. Basically, what you think affects how you feel (both emotionally and physically). So if you increase your positive thoughts, like gratitude, you can increase your subjective sense of well-being as well as, perhaps, objective measures of physical health (like fewer symptoms of illness and increased immune functioning).
There are some very simple ways to increase your experience and expression of gratitude. As Albert Schweitzer notes in his above quotation about gratitude, increasing our conscious awareness of gratitude may require that we train ourselves to think differently. This can be done by incorporating some simple exercises into your life. For example, you might begin to keep a gratitude journal, as noted above in some of the research. Gratitude journals can take many forms, but one way of doing this is to simply write down one thing that you are grateful for each day.
It can be something that happened that day, something you felt, or someone in your life who has made a positive impact on you.
Alternatively (or additionally), you can speak your expressions of gratitude. You can engage a friend or romantic partner in a daily discussion about what you are grateful for. This might take the form of questions like, "What was the best part of your day today?", or "What is one thing that made you feel really happy today?" This kind of discussion not only helps to increase your own awareness of all that you have to be grateful for, but can also promote positive connection and experiences in your relationship with whomever you choose to have these exchanges. For example, instead of having dinner with a friend or partner and talking about all the stressors of your day, this kind of discussion leads you both to focus on the positive things, which in turn helps the stressors feel less significant, and helps you feel happier when around your friend or partner. Basically, gratitude promotes gratitude.
If you find that you're very busy and unable to stick to a regular gratitude practice, see if you can train yourself to notice things, in the moment, that you are thankful for. They can be small things: maybe you notice that your bed is very comfortable, that your lunch is tasty, that a good friend said something nice to you, etc. It is easy to take these kinds of experiences for granted and not direct our conscious awareness to them. But training yourself to notice these kinds of things and really feel grateful for them can help increase your own experience of happiness.
For those of you who have watched the popular movie "The Secret", you are aware of the Law of Attraction that was portrayed and has been written about prolifically. The Law of Attraction states that whatever you think about or talk about will be drawn into your life. If this is true, thinking about what you are grateful for will draw more of that to you. It seems like that's worth a try!
