Support Them Now

BECOMING THE PARENT OF A COLLEGE STUDENT

By Norman Barber, Ed.D., Director, Multicultural Services
Illustrations by Craig Rousseau ‘93

I have been a college administrator at both public and private institutions of higher education for 27 years. Throughout my career, I have assumed various leadership responsibilities in student affairs and enrollment management. I have also had the pleasure of learning from many firstyear college students and their parents about college adjustment issues.

With years of experience in college administration, I expected to be well prepared for the day my son would leave for college. However, that wasn’t the case. Like many parents of first-year college students, I was extremely ambivalent about the fact that my son would be leaving home and attending college halfway across the country. Yet, I was extremely confident in the university that would become his home for the next four years. As a graduate of that institution myself, I knew that it was a fine university, with a campus environment that is safe, supportive and challenging. I was impressed with the fact that his college of choice is deeply committed to student learning and development, academic excellence, equality of opportunity, and diversity in all aspects of campus life.

I realize, however, that no college is perfect. In fact, it is virtually impossible for an institution with 18,000 culturally diverse students not to be reflective of the social world in which it exists. My only hope was that, in the absence of parental influence or in the face of adversity, my son would “do the right thing.” From a young age, my wife and I taught him to be responsible, committed, and humble. We also taught him the importance of being intellectually curious, accountable, and prepared for life’s unpredictability. So, in many respects, we believe that he is well prepared for the college experience.

However, what I fear the most is the change in the parent-student relationship which inevitably will occur sometime during the college experience. Like most parents, I have watched my son develop personally, socially, and academically. As he grew, I prepared emotionally and financially for the day he would attend college. More importantly, I looked forward to the day when he would change—to manage his emotions, develop competence, establish his own identity, and of course to become independent. Now that he is college-bound, I can only hope that the collegiate experience will help him to become a more responsible citizen, a leader of his community, and, of course, financially independent someday.

Unfortunately, I remain quite ambivalent about the fact that the college experience will inevitably change the intimate fatherson-relationship that has taken us over 18 years to cultivate. While I desperately want my son to enjoy his collegiate experience, to get the best education possible, and to be successful, I must now come face-to-face with the fact that very soon we will need to redefine our relationship.

I grew up during a period when it was generally believed, and well accepted, that “father knows best.” Therefore, I have no problem with exercising my authority as a parent to establish guidelines that will redefine our relationship. But common sense tells me that I must let go of preconceived parental expectations, and to remain patient and open to the promise of continued intimacy with my son. Additionally, as my son matures and becomes even more independent, I must remain sensitive to his needs and expectations of parental support.

To prepare my son for the realities of college and myself for the responsibility of becoming the parent of a college student, I spent a considerable amount of time reading books on the college experience. Many of the books that comforted me late into the night were informative and extremely invaluable in helping me to develop strategies on how best to parent a college student. However, the more I read, the more I found myself reflecting on the orientation experience, and the countless number of conversations I have had with first-year college students and their parents.

In the process of reading and reflecting on the college experience, I realized that change is an inevitable part of the college experience. However, no two students will change in exactly the same way and at the same times in both internal cognitive or affective characteristics. Yet, as students interact with the campus environment and adjust to the realities of college life, their patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving ultimately change in certain demonstrable ways (Austin, 1986).

Research on college student development suggests that the changes ideally experienced by students during the college years are influenced by a number of factors. These include the type of college attended, disposition, and the extent to which the student becomes integrated into the campus environment. Change during the college years is also influenced by the extent to which students are able:

• Leave home anxiety-free and independent.
• Understand themselves from a social, historical, and cultural context.
• Find their place within the campus environment.
• Learn to control emotions and behavior.
• Get serious about interpersonal relationships.
• Realize their limitations.
• Maintain personal integrity, despite adversity.

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