Support Them Now
From my experience as a college administrator, and the parent of a college-bound student, I offer my own strategies to preserve parent-student relationships during the college years. I developed these strategies because, very soon, I will have two students in college. I will need not only to help them to successfully negotiate the collegiate experience, but also to bring closure to my own issues surrounding their departure, their independence, and ultimately, the empty nest syndrome. Strategies to preserve parent-student relationships during the college years include:
Separating the fantasies, memories, and myths from the realities of college life.
We should not believe the fantasies of college life as characterized in such teen television programs as “Sorority Life,” “Road Rules,” or “Real Life.” Nor should we play into certain beliefs surrounding the value of a college education, especially the belief that a college education will guarantee employment, financial security, or personal success. Finally, we should avoid romanticizing about our own college experience, while holding similar expectations for today’s college student. If our students are to be successful, we must learn to separate the fantasies, memories, and myths about the college experience from what is real, true, and meaningful to their own development.
Understand their needs, expectations, and concerns as college students.
Many students enter college with unrealistic expectations. Complicated by their desire for independence from parental influences, students often experience internal conflicts that cause them to question their identity, to second-guess deep-rooted family values, and even to express concerns about attending college. These challenges can even cause some students to be inconsistent in their behavior and academic performance, leaving parents breathless, bewildered, and confused. Yet, in light of these and other developmental changes, we must try to understand the challenges facing students as they adjust to the demands and responsibilities of college life.
Provide them with the time, space, and freedom to develop.
Over the past 18 years, you have spent a considerable amount of time, energy, and emotions influencing your students’ growth and development. Your influence has been evident at their Little League baseball games, dance recitals, and even the loss of their first tooth. As a parent, you probably believe that no one, not even Dr. Spock, is more qualified than you to direct and redirect your student toward success. And now that your student is college-bound, your most pressing concern may be to continue developing strategies that enable you to influence your student’s college experience. But if students are to succeed in college, parents must provide them with the time, space, and freedom to: 1) assume responsibility for their own development; 2) accept responsibility for the consequences their actions; and 3) to realize their dreams.
Prepare them for critical life changes and decision making.
As parents, our natural instinct is to provide a structured environment that protects our students from mistakes, disasters, and even failures. As they mature and move increasingly toward interdependence, we are even more concerned about their overall development and personal security. However, now that they are college-bound, we must temper our parental influences and expectations with patience, understanding, and respect. Our ultimate goal should be prepare them for critical life changes and decision-making.
Openup to the promise of change.
The developmental changes students experience during the college years are influenced by a number of factors, including the social and cultural environment of the campus, family values and beliefs, biological and psychological maturity, and perceptions of their experiences, to name a few. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that students will change for the better or for the worse. However, as parents, we must remain open to the promise of positive change and hope that our student will be able to maintain their integrity in the face of adversity.
Recognize and encourage their accomplishments.
Whether it comes as a result of being potty trained, hitting a home run, or being named student of the month, young children are always praised for their accomplishments. Yet, by the time they are adults, the admiration, praise, and excitement that students once received for accomplishments often fade as parents and their students become disconnected. However, as the parents of a college student, you must continue to recognize and encourage your student’s accomplishments, providing a solid foundation for them to experience success and ultimately persist to graduation. In doing so, you will play a critical role in their development of positive self-esteem, selfperception, and identity formation.
Talk candidly about real life issues.
The college environment is often considered a magical place, an environment where students can freely question their biases and assumptions about different peoples, races, and cultures from a scholarly perspective. It is also a place where students are encouraged to prepare for success in a global society by celebrating individual differences and embracing cultural diversity. As a parent, you should talk candidly with your student about the importance of racial and cultural diversity. Today, more and more employers are looking for individuals who are skilled in area of diversity leadership and who are able to communicate across cultures. Therefore, you should encourage your student to enrich his or her collegiate experiences and knowledge of other cultures by engaging in conversations, friendships, and activities with individuals from diverse cultural, religious, and social backgrounds.
Treat them with tender loving care and respect.
Separation anxiety can be just as difficult for students as it is for parents. Being away from family, friends, intimate social relationships, and individuals with whom they share a common language, heritage, and identity may be difficult for some students. It may also impede their integration into the college environment. Being a student’s safe haven from difficult college transition and adjustment issues, the family home should always be a place where they can return, knowing full well that they will be treated with respect and tender loving care.
Hear what they are saying and how they are saying it.
Among certain cultural groups, particularly teenagers and young adults, popular phrases such as “I hear what you are saying,” and “I feel for you, dog” have a particular meaning. In fact, this important cultural language enables individuals to empathize with one another and to communicate in ways that allows them to vicariously experience each other’s feelings, thoughts, and concerns. As parents, perhaps we have no desire to learn the slang or facetious figures of speech commonly spoken by our college students or the diverse cultural groups to which they belong. However, when our students do speak, we must listen and communicate in a way that ensures that we can hear what they are saying and how they are saying it. More importantly, being able to “feel what our student is saying” must be at the heart of our relationship and our system of communicating with them.
Encourage involvement in all aspects of campus life.
The college experience is filled with excitement, opportunity, and promise. Yet, there are a number of students who walk away from a very active high school career only to become “couch potatoes” once they enter college. While not every student is interested in competing in intercollegiate athletics or becoming president of a campus club or organization, you should encourage your student to get involved in all aspects of campus life. Within the campus environment, there are a variety of curricula and co-curricular activities. Many of these activities are designed specifically to assist students with personal development, academic achievement, social competence, and of course leadership development. Others, such as academic advising, career planning, personal counseling, and orientation programs, are available to assist students in coping with difficult social and academic adjustment issues.
Maintain well-established and familiar patterns of communication.
For over 18 years, you and your student have maintained a system of communication that has enabled you to share ideas, thoughts, and expectations. For some of you, the greatest opportunity to communicate with your student came at the dinner table, walks around the park, or drives to and from school. While the environment in which you communicated may not have been perfect, you were able to talk and share information in ways that were familiar and well-established. Now that your student is in college, and perhaps separated by distance, the two of you may not have the perfect opportunity to share ideas, thoughts, and expectations. However, you should still be able to maintain patterns of communication that are familiar and that satisfy your needs.
Never say “I told you so.”
In their effort to take advantage of all that the college environment has to offer, students will undoubtedly take risks and encounter situations in which they will experience disappointment, anxiety, and perhaps even failure. While most college students are mature enough to accept responsibility for their actions and to do the right thing, success in all aspects of campus life is not always possible. The adversity confronting some students will undoubtedly cause them to question their values, beliefs, and patterns of behavior. As a parent, you should heed the warning signs of disappointment, anxiety, and failure. More importantly, in your effort to be a supportive and loving parent, you should always remaining positive, encouraging, and open to the likelihood that mistakes will be made. So never say, “I told you so.”
Offer advice only when appropriate.
Generally, college students almost always set unrealistic expectations for themselves and their institutions. When things don’t go as they expect, every question, every mistake, and every decision provides parents with an opportunity to offer advice or words of wisdom. While some parents firmly believe that “father knows best” and will assert their authority, I strongly recommend that parents proceed cautiously when giving advice. As college students move toward self-reliance, they want the chance to clarify their own priorities, to trust their own instincts, and to redefine themselves independently of parental control, family influences, and past peer relationships. Therefore, the rule is to offer advice only when appropriate.
Wait for the break to visit them.
For some people, the element of surprise is a difficult experience. This is especially true among college students who are living independently of parents, either in the resident halls or an apartment off-campus. Therefore, instead of surprising your student with a campus visit, you wait for the first natural break of the school year. For example, parents’ weekend, homecoming, or Thanksgiving vacation, are all ideal times to visit your student. You should wait, however, for an invitation to visit, allowing your student plenty of time to adjust to the social and academic demands of college life, the responsibilities associated with their newfound freedom, and of course various issues surrounding identity development.
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Last Updated On: 11/6/06
