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UMD to send student to Mars
By Finneas Q. Sassafras
In a press conference held last week at the UMD observatory, Special Projects director Herbert Q. Rocketstein announced that UMass Dartmouth would be launching its very own space program. The news came as a shock to all, especially given the university’s seemingly ill- equipped facilities.
“I understand that this may surprise many of you,” Rocketstein said as an excited smile spread across his face, “But believe me when I tell you that not only are we well prepared for this bold endeavor, but we are determined to beat our peers at NASA not just in returning to the moon, but in sending the first human being to walk on Mars.”
Members of the student body, scientific community and the press were in an uproar. While hysteria broke out among the crowd, UMD’s board of directors sat chuckling as Rocketstein pulled a small shiny box with a big, important looking red button out from behind the podium.
“Ladies and gentleman...let us boldly go where no university has gone before!” As the words left his mouth, Rocketstein pressed the red button. The events that unfolded were pure science fiction turned science fact. A deafening crash of concrete and steel and grinding gears filled the air and where the campanile once stood was a pillar of smoke. When the noise and clouds had settled, the iconic radio tower had transformed into a fully functional launch pad.
After a standing ovation that lasted upwards of an hour, the crowd had finally managed to settle down and the director took their questions. First on everyone’s minds was where the money to fund such a project came from.
“Like the waivable MassPIRG fee, there has been a long standing option to pay $10 towards a university sponsored space program. We were going to strike it from tuition bills but students kept paying it and, before we knew it we were fully funded and had three satellites in orbit.” Rocketstein followed this by stating that within the week they would be sending a small capsule piloted by a crew of immunized Cedar Dell cats into orbit as well.
Next of course was the question of who the university would be sending to Mars.
“Our search was extensive, but after a series of rigorous physical endurance tests, aptitude exams and a gauntlet of sci-fi trivia, we have settled on this intrepid young space man.”
The crowd was hushed as a fully suited astronaut walked out of the observatory and approached the podium.
“Let me introduce to you our first Astro-Corsair, senior English major Tony Pacitti.” The astro-corsair removed his helmet, revealing a shaggy haired rogue. He was the embodiment of equal parts slacker and Star Wars, a sure fire future American hero. No doubt that this dashing man of the stars would revitalize America’s interest in going to space.
“I’ve always dreamed of being an astronaut,” Pacitti said enthusiastically, “Ever since I was a kid watching E.T. and Star Trek until my eyes bled.” When asked about the inherent danger in space travel and a hostile alien terrain, Pacitti laughed.
“Let’s look at it this way; as it stands right now I’m worried about passing all of my classes and with this being my last semester I’d consider that much scarier than anything space can throw at me. Then there’s the job market for an English major. If I get to Mars and come face to face with some Lovecraftian hell spawn from Dimension X I’ll consider myself in less peril than if I graduate, don’t find a real job and try to pay off student loans and bills on a mall job salary. Not to mention spending the next several years living in my parents’ basement...wouldn’t you rather spend that time in cryogenic sleep and bouncing around on a big red rock while running a risk of horrific space death?”
After a few more questions, the eager young space cadet posed in front of the launch pad for photos. After the press conference there was a reception held in the Woodland Commons where guests were treated to champagne, filet mignon in the form of a paste and zero-gravity dancing.
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