Debate team tackles divisive issue of the century

Students discuss the ‘beirut’ vs. ‘beer pong’ controversy

By Anita Sue Donym

Students filled the Main Auditorium to capacity on Tuesday, April 1, to witness the inaugural gathering of the university’s newly created debate team, the UMass-ter Debaters (UMD).

Seniors Bobby Carmichael and Clyde McFlannery, who have been roommates since their freshman year, co-founded the debate team after a night of heavy thinking and deep conversation.

McFlannery explained before the event, “We were sitting around, sippin’ on some divine Natural Ice, when I was like, ‘Yo, wanna play beirut?’ I’ve never seen Bobby so pissed. He was like, ‘Yo, dude, what did I tell you? It’s called beer pong!’”

In that instant, the two made a pact not to graduate until the dispute had been settled in a mature, educational manner. “Actually, I might not graduate anyway,” Carmichael noted. “I’m on academic probation for my fifth semester in a row.”

Students came out in droves for the event, filling the auditorium and its balconies. Hundreds more were turned away at the door, but demanded admittance. Fearing a revolt, the Tech Crew scrambled to set up a live closed-circuit broadcast of the event that students could watch from the library.

Librarian Eloise Snively commented, “That’s the most students I’ve ever seen in the library at once.” Adjusting the spectacles resting on the tip of her nose, she added, “I had to call in the librarian reserves to patrol the floors and shush anyone being too noisy.”

Back in the Main Auditorium, the raucous crowd hushed as the lights on the stage went up, revealing two podiums and an American flag backdrop.

As Carmichael and McFlannery took the stage for the inaugural debate of the UMass-ter Debaters, they received a standing ovation. One unidentified student wiped away tears and smiled, “This is what freedom of speech is all about!”

Carmichael, representing “pro-beer pong,” opened the evening with a strong argument. “You should call it ‘beer pong’ because you play the game with a ping pong ball, not a beirut ball,” he sneered. “Those don’t even exist.”

Representing “pro-beirut,” McFlannery quickly countered, “Yeah, but you know who plays ping pong? Forrest Gump.”

This back-and-forth debate kept the audience on the edge of their seats. The professionalism of the presentations impressed many, especially the Public safety officials who were asked to keep an eye on the event.

Throughout the evening, many students cheered to show their agreement with a particular statement. But by the sounds of it, even the audience was largely split or undecided on the issue.

Sophomore English major Joanie Mansfield explained her indecision: “They really made me think, you know? Like, Clyde totally had me when he described how sophisticated ‘beirut’ sounds. But then Bobby was like, ‘Dude, what is a beirut?’...and I had to agree that I didn’t know.”

Frank Garrison, a senior business major, explained, “I’m pretty sure Beirut is a country or something. But, like, did Beirut come up with the game? ‘Cause if they did, I’d say that gives them naming rights.”

Stacey “Bo” Bacey, an undeclared freshman, said it best when she commented, “Dude, woah.”

Woah, indeed.

At the end of the four-hour debate, it was apparent that a mature discussion wouldn’t solve any problems. In front of a shocked audience, Carmichael and McFlannery agreed to disagree, adding that they should patch their sullied friendship over a pint at the UMD Pub.

The two also agreed that the UMass-ter Debaters had served its purpose and would never hold another debate on campus. As McFlannery explained, “We’ve already gone head-to-head over the most divisive topic of our time. What else would be left to talk about?”

Carmichael suggested the possibility of a “Your Mama / No, Your Mama” debate but felt that pursuing the idea would be counterproductive. “Seriously, either way, it’s someone’s mama,” he said, “and we just don’t want to go there.”

Chancellor Sam Jackson unveils the Big Ding-Dong

By Chris P. Creme

Next week UMass Dartmouth will be celebrating the official renaming of the “Robert Karam Campanile” to the “Samuel L Jackson Big Ding Dong.” The re-naming of the Campanile has come as a surprise to many, and is not without controversy.

Most of the attention is coming from the fact that our current interim Chancellor Samuel L Jackson initiated the name change. Jackson, who is using this position as an opportunity to study for his upcoming role as an ass-kicking dean in “School of Mutha [expletive] Hard Knocks,” was given the opportunity to be interim chancellor when the previous chancellor left unexpectedly.

A representative from the Chancellor’s Office who wished to remain anonymous has stated that “It probably was a bad idea for us to hire Jackson, but we needed someone quick, and we figured he would bring some attention to the campus.”

Jackson is sticking tough to his decision for the name change and has said that “I’m Samuel [expletive] Jackson, I’ll do whatever the [expletive] I want!” When asked why he chose to change the name to the Big Ding Dong, he explained “ I was walking around the [expletive] campus, and I saw some cute [expletive] kids walking by that giant ass tower, and that’s what they were calling it. That’s when I decided that I would change the [expletive] name, and why am I putting my name on it? I’m Sam [expletive] Jackson, that’s why!”

For those interested in attending the name change ceremony, it will take place in the campus quad, right in front of the Big Ding Dong at 6 p.m., on April 31. There will be refreshments, and games, as well as a special dedication speech by Chancellor Jackson. The ceremony will commence with fireworks being released from the top of the Big Ding Dong.

Facebook: Now enrolling preschoolers

By Scoops McGillicuddy

With limited avenues for expansion, social networking giant Facebook.com has decided to target a new demographic: preschoolers. The site made the announcement yesterday at Head Start in Slumsville, Massachusetts.

“We figured this was simply an untapped market,” Facebook spokesman Rolf Smallturd said. “Other sites, such as Myspace.com, do not currently allow preschoolers. Frankly, I’m surprised kids have been overlooked for so long.”

Although Smallturd concedes that many of the new users cannot yet read, he expressed doubt that this would really make a difference. “Reading is overrated these days. Just ask a child if he would rather read or watch television. I know the answer to that question and so do you.”

Facebook has already announced some exciting features that will attract the youngsters. The “Wordz” application will teach children acronyms like “ttyl” or “bffl” and other shorthand words. Smallturd explained that this will help kids skip over the hassle of learning how to really spell, which is now obsolete and useless.

The ever-popular “relationship status” has been changed to “bedtime status.” And instead of posting a photograph, children will be able to choose from a wide array of crayon scribbles, deciding which looks most like themselves. Crayola proudly sponsors this new feature.

Smallturd went on to explain the importance of other corporate advertisers on Facebook’s preschool program, saying, “We felt that kids would really open up to seeing the same characters that they see on their favorite television commercials.”

Other new games available include “Cereal Chef.” In this game, kids can learn how cereal is made. They interact by helping Captain Crunch and Lucky the Leprechaun add all that sugar to their favorite cereals. The second part of the game features guns and dynamite, where the kids must blow up boxes of Cheerios and other “healthy” cereals to earn points.

Many parents have already expressed concerns about the safety of Facebook for preschool children. When asked if kids would be safeguarded from potential adult predators, Smallturd simply replied, “Our site is not about separating people, it’s about bringing them together.”

As a final note, Smallturd encouraged preschoolers signing up across the country to friend him. He has candy and toys.