Controlling Relationships
Does your relationship consume all of your mental and emotional energy due to regular conflicts, feelings of guilt, or friends/family expressing concern about you? Do you feel like you've lost your self in the relationship? Are you feeling alienated from friends because your partner prefers you spend time with him/her rather than other people? Are your grades suffering since you've been dating? If so, you may be involved with a controlling or manipulative partner and need some help taking care of yourself. In this article I will talk about ways to recognize controlling relationships and how to manage them and/or leave them safely.
How do you determine whether your relationship is controlling? There are several signs that can alert you that something isn't right. The first thing is feedback from friends and family. While it is normal and perhaps even expectable that someone in your life will take issue with your partner, it should be a big red flag if everyone in your life expresses concern. Similarly, if you notice that it feels easier NOT to spend time with people you've cared about for years because it often leads to fights with your partner, this should be a warning sign that something is awry in your relationship.
A second warning sign is feeling defensive of your partner. If you regularly find yourself making excuses to others (or to yourself) for why your partner behaved in upsetting ways, it is likely that you are aware on some level that what your partner is doing is wrong. This might sound something like, "She's not always so critical of me, she just had a bad day. . . . " or "He doesn't usually get so mad about me spending time with friends, he just really needs me right now. . . " It can be hard to admit that your partner's behavior is controlling or upsetting, even to yourself, because admitting that your partner is doing something unkind or manipulative usually means taking a long, hard look at what you want to do about it.
It is also important for you to recognize if your relationship has led you to stray from your goals or morals. If you are normally a very strong student but your grades and class attendance have been slipping since the relationship started, ask yourself why. If you are normally a very outgoing person who likes to spend time with friends and meet new people but have been routinely staying in your room with your partner, notice how you feel about this change. Or if you never drank much in the past but now find yourself drinking every weekend because your partner drinks and you're always together, check in with yourself to see if this change is okay with you. Does your partner press you to do things sexually that you have never been comfortable with before? If you find yourself giving in because it's "easier", you may have a controlling relationship on your hands. Is your partner saying or doing something that makes it hard for you to achieve your goals or stick to beliefs that are important to you? If so, would these things be okay with you long-term?
A fourth cue that your relationship might be controlling is noticing that your partner is excessively jealous or possessive. Caring and concern from a partner are sweet and care-taking, but jealousy and possessiveness are danger signals. If your partner doesn't want you to go out without him/her, randomly shows up at places you planned to be, or questions you too intensely about your interactions with other people, it is appropriate to be concerned. Oftentimes controlling partners will later apologize for this behavior, label it as "love", and even temporarily cease. But the jealousy and possessiveness may return and, if they do, remember that it isn't the first time you've seen these things. You are not imagining it!
It is also important to watch out for inconsistencies or subtle discrepancies in things your partner says or does. When your partner tells you one thing and later says something different, or tells someone else something slightly different, this might be evidence of your partner trying to manipulate you. This kind of manipulation can be so subtle sometimes that it can go undetected for a long time and even make you feel like you're going crazy. Your partner may try to explain away the inconsistencies and may even be convincing in his/her explanations. It is important to remember these instances though and to recall your gut feeling when they occurred. Did your instincts tell you something was wrong?
Finally, controlling relationships can turn violent. Physical violence including slapping, pinching, pushing, choking, throwing things, or threatening is never okay. Unfortunately, it is often the case that these overt signs of violence don't emerge until the relationship is well underway, making it difficult and emotionally complicated to extricate yourself. But in order to preserve your own safety, extricating yourself is extremely important. If you need help with this, seek help from a therapist, medical professional, and/or police officer.
There are certainly other signs you might notice as well, but these six things are fairly consistently observed in controlling relationships. So what do you do if you're in this kind of relationship right now? There are several ways for you to decide how to handle it. First and foremost, it is important not to beat yourself up for being drawn to this person or even for continuing to love him/her despite the controlling behavior. Controlling behavior might initially appear confident or even caring. It can also take several months or even years for it to become evident. So these folks can often look very appealing at the outset. And, like anyone, they probably have their positive qualities too. They additionally might explain or excuse their controlling behavior by appealing to your sympathy, blaming their behavior on a difficult childhood, a previous relationship in which they got hurt, etc. It is important to remember here that many of us have had difficult childhoods or painful relationships and do not go on to be controlling or manipulative of our partners.
Secondly, you can talk with family and friends more about their concerns and really listen. One of the things that frequently happens in controlling relationships is that you get alienated from your friends and family, leaving you with no support but your partner. When you reconnect with your former support system, you will most likely feel stronger in yourself and more able to look at your relationship objectively. Chances are, they've seen some of the things that your instincts have told you are wrong about the relationship. They might be able to put words to feelings you've had for months. This can help you to decide whether or not the relationship is one you want to try to salvage.
If you decide it's worth salvaging, you may need to get some professional help to assist you in sorting out what the issues are and how you can work on them together. If you decide the relationship is too painful or damaged to salvage, be decisive in this and don't allow yourself to be swayed by promises of future change. Your leaving the relationship will likely elicit a dramatically bad reaction from your controlling partner, and preparing for this can be helpful. Maybe you want to end the relationship in a public place. It is important that you be clear and concise and don't offer long-winded explanations for why you are leaving, as a truly controlling partner will likely try to turn these around in his/her favor and convince you to stay. Once you make the break, really stay away. Accepting phone calls, emails, or IMs is just confusing to both of you and makes the break-up more painful. You may also want to avoid mutual friends for a period of time so that you are less likely to run into your ex-partner.